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Week 6 Previews

by various media members

Fuzz v Lbs

Glnzr: Frey we are trendsetters! We didn’t play on a perfectly fine day so now no one did.
I never use this word, but Heroes!

Alex: I just want two things down for the record: a) we had a full lineup ready to go that day minus Zisser and Kelsey, and b) most of the people who complained about our game being postponed were probably the same ones who complained about having a draft in the Walker Tournament years ago.  Would love to have them on my D5 team just so I could trade them and watch the fireworks.  Anyways, as far as this matchup I have no idea who is showing up for Fuzz.  I haven’t taken attendance yet but we won’t have Scotty, Cherie or Avery and possibly more.  Should we just postpone again?  I’d like to see some division 4 players have further mental breakdowns, let’s make it happen.

Jess: This is how you guys look to me (and prob the rest of the league) rn.

Alex: Spiderman is an elite superhero, I’ll take it.

Rainbows v Sky Fighters

Jess: I’m missing this game, or should I say series since the powers that be decided to put our Sky Fighters games back-to-back this year WHEN I’M ON VACATION, HICKS. I’m going to split the difference and say each team will walk away with a hard-fought victory with game 1 going to the Sky Fighters 3-2. 

Alex: I’m going to say one team will walk away with a victory, and it will be the Sky Fighters.  5-2.

CATT: It’s pride week so I predict no one walks away, everyone sashays away instead! Sky Fighters do sashay away with the victory though…

Agents v Bad Seeds

Hornswoggle: Bottom division barnburner. Seeds are just about dominating their group, even notching a win against a third division rival. But The Agents are building chemistry and momentum as well, and this particular matchup will be a statement game for them. I’m expecting a lot of running, 50/50 clashes, and hunger from both sides. Seeds will take the match, but not without a blitz at the outset from The Agents.

Dingle: I love the bottom division games because sometimes they’re absolute wild cards. The game can be 8-6 with hat tricks from players on both teams or an unsuspecting goalie can stand on their head and blank the opposition. For entertainment purposes, let’s hope for a high-scoring affair 

23andMia: The Agents might be hitting a groove, but I suspect they’re not yet acclimated to playing in 87 degree heat whereas The Bad Seeds are old pros. Scotty Seed decides to show up, rousing the team in cheers about BS and scores a hat trick that seals the win.

Anklebiters v Cobra Kai

Glnzr: Anklebiters already toppled FK and if anyone besides Sarah could score on a penalty shot they would have beat Fuzz. But CK is a tougher matchup since they never give up scoring chances. Plus no Probie. 3-1 for the bad guys. 

Alex: It appears half of Cobra Kai will be missing this game for Russ’ wedding. Full credit to Russ for (presumably) having sex, but also for giving the Biters a shot to pull the upset.  Won’t be easy without Probert, who himself seems to be at a wedding every other weekend, but I’m betting on the underdog against a severely shorthanded dojo. 3-2 Biters.

this is 100% confirmed Russ’ actual instagram story as of today

23andMia: Pretty surprised Russ’s nuptials are not at BTSH as he and Allicat are sidelines staples. I really feel like I’ve seen Alli and her chair at games where Russ hasn’t even been around. Nevertheless, the game ends 1-1 in regulation, just like an equal partnership. But then The Biters take the W in OT and the power dynamic shifts. Blame ensues, therapy is sought, some might play for other teams here and there but they always return…all live happily ever after.

WTP v Hookers

Jess: WTP has an eclectic resume this season. From eking out a win against the Vertz to a comfortable no-Probie Biters win to a 4 goal loss against Karma, they’re kind of all over the place. The Hookers have a similarly hard-to-read season, their 2 wins coming as 1-goal games. I’m jet lagged and not sure if any of that made sense but TLDR this could be anyone’s game HOWEVER I am going to give it to WTP 2-0. 

Glnzr: Stand for something Jess. WTP 2-0. 

Hicks: The hookers have a lot of talented guys that no one is talking about and rumor has it multiple players on the team will be in rainbow tutus for this one. Give me the hookers in an “upset” and a side order of trauma from having to see lee in a tutu twice in under a month. 

Meme provided by Hicks

Jess: LITERALLY did he even read what I said?! Excellent meme usage. 

Karma v Filthier

Glnzr: Michael Jackson popcorn meme.

*Editor’s note: Writers are required to make/insert their own memes. No freebies. 

Hicks: Karma by 4 or 5 for the second time this season. #neverforget

JW: Historically this would have been an easy one to call, with the obvious victory going to Filthier. However, Isaac and co. are now a powerhouse who could win the PBR Cup this year. Karma also have the goaltender edge, this week. The addition of the Salt Boyzzz will give Filthier a chance, but ultimately this one will go the way all of Karma’s games this season have gone. 

Prediction: 5-2 Karma, but we still miss Nicole. 

CATT: Karma’s teal unis reappear, dazzling filthier with their blinding beauty. Karma lends Filthier some Pit Vipers to help them deal with the aforementioned blinding beauty during the game (cause we’re nice like that). Filthier can’t really pull them off and they don’t play well as a result. Shocking everyone, they go home right after (losing) the game. 3-1, Karma.

Vertz v Fresh Kills

Hornswoggle: Jack a 10 but damn he chose to move at the worst time. Also a Wild fan so there’s that. Man will have to bench himself because the rest of the team will be playing defense against those French-Canadians, and y’all know he can’t stand playing D. Criticism of Vertz doesn’t mean the Kills are perfect, though; their losses may suggest they’ve encountered moments of misfortune because the league knows how stacked the roster is. And even playing through some moments of bad calls, bounced balls, and missed opportunities, the expectation is that Fresh Kills will take this match handily.

Jack’s official comment to the media regarding his lack of defense

Glnzr: These two teams have arguably been the most disappointing so far. FK should contend for a championship but they are 2-2 and lost to a Probieless Anklebiters. Meanwhile the much talked about Vertz is 1-3, with their only win vs. Jess and the Rainbows. I think whoever shows up this week will come to play and it will be a super intense Vertz upset victory, 4-3. 

Riots v Mega Touch

JW: Since Jessica recently brought up the 1991 classic My Girl, I figured I would make a comparison here. The Riots are like Thomas J. in that: they wanted to be an astronaut, they can’t see without their glasses, and (spoiler alert)…..they’re going to die.

Glnzr: In the olden days, this should be GOTW. Eric Ramirez is shooting for MVP status by turning the Riots to a 3-1 record. New addition Kev is also helping this turnaround. Meanwhile, Mega is also 3-1 with new recruit Alex leading the way. This should be a really good game…but I gotta go with Mega 3-2. 

23andMia: This match up brings together two teams with really strong female players. They know it, we know it. But it’s not ego that bests the losers, it’s Pride: Mega takes it since there’s a good chance some key Riots will be elsewhere celebrating just being as a win.

Butchers v Gremlins

CATT: Gremlins versus Butchers sounds like a terrifying nightmare, but in actuality will be a blowout. Butchers take the gremlins out back and string ’em up for the slaughter. Oh wait…that still sounds rather terrifying. 4-0 butchers.

Hicks: who wants to be 1-4 more? (The answer is actually the Vertz). 

Steven: I am pretty pumped that one of these teams is going to get their first win of the season. What a time to be alive! It seems both teams have an issue scoring and you need one goal to win (except if we are in LOLSHOOTOUT world, where you need one LOLSHOOTOUT goal to win). I think we may have a 1-0 Butchers win on our hands. 

Poutine v Demons
Just a couple years ago this matchup would be prime fodder for speculation about how no one wants to ref this game and a brawl could break out at any moment.  Refs probably still don’t want to touch it due to sheer reputation but these teams have changed a lot.  Poutine remains a young scrappy bunch but keeps their cool way better than they used to while the Demons are far more concerned with partying and drugs than they are with winning these days, which is good because they have one win and unlimited drugs.  You absolutely love to see it.  Should be a hard fought matchup but I’m backing Poutine Reboot 5-3.

Hicks: this game hurts my shins.

Dingle: It may be early in the season, but all signs are pointing to a showdown between Poutine and Mega Touch for the Division 3 crown. Poutine are 3-1 on the year and have gotten some all around scoring from their squad with Pagsy (I believe he’s one of the 7 tied with 3 goals) leading Poutine in scoring this year thanks to a Week 1 hat trick. Demons on the other hand have an inverse record of 1 and 3. In their first game since the Celtics lost in the championship, let’s see if Jenn and Yeff take out their NBA frustrations on our own basketball court(s)* 

*If they’re playing on the West Court, I guess they’re technically not playing on one of the basketball courts

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