By Glnzr & Jss

It’s that time of the season where we finally tell people what we think of them. This will be really interesting because Rich has all the BTSH knowledge in the world and Jess has more grammar and syntax knowledge than Rich could possibly possess. Together, we’ll make one fully competent hockey preview. 

21 Rotten Math

Rich: They aren’t the worst team…how could they be, they have the best shootout player in BTSH history, Elly! But I will die on this hill, this is the worst name in the history of BTSH. And the fact that I’m on a team called Fuzz and I can say this makes it that much worse, Diane!

Jess: Agreed, there were so many better options (Gut Math, Math Rot, Mutt Rot). I thought this combo would be stronger but due to losing some key Gut Rottians (Kellie, Becca, Akhil) and Mathers (…Jack) they need some fresh talent to bounce back.

Rich: I’m not a combo name fan. Just pick a brand new name, have Elly shoot all shootouts, win championship over Fresh Kills, disband, and never speak to one another until ESPN pays you millions for their 30 for 30. 

20 Demons

Rich: Much like the stupid crappy Mets, the Demons won the off-season. They got the two best players in the free agent scrimmages (why did we have 2?). But sadly those big money acquisitions have not added up to W’s.

Jess: Yeah I really thought they’d be a force to be reckoned with this season but have been surprisingly underwhelming. But hats off to them for being a bit more likeable this year, no doubt thanks to the newbies and as always, Tracy <3  

Rich: You overrate Tracy’s likeability. 

Jess: Tracy volunteers her time to mentor high school girls from underserved areas in the 5 boroughs, I hope you feel bad now!!!

19 Riots 

Rich: The Riots have 3 games left and I predict they will win 2 of them. Sadly, one of them is against the Rainbows. Sorry Jess. 

Jess: Respectfully, you’re wrong as hell. The one thing I do agree with you on is that for once the Riots should not be ranked last. They’ve come out hard and had some close games so far this season.

18 Butchers

Jess: The Butchers only have 2 wins so far—against the Riots and the Hookers. Also they got blown out 9-0 by the Lbs (who, imho, aren’t the powerhouse they used to be) in the worst goal deficit of the season.

Rich: Jess! How could you rank the Butchers 18th! Don’t you know they have RG1, Rachel Greene on this team? You have a lot to learn about this league, sweetie. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sim7tCJyC8

Jess: Don’t pin this all on me, this is a joint venture so you get 50% of the blame when everyone is pissed. Also Rachel knows I love her.

17 Gremlins:

Rich: This team made the semis in 2019. They are very classy but I’m struggling to say something nice mostly because Michelle sent me a holiday card and it literally got lost in the mail and now she’s making me be nice to her or I don’t get it. Any advice to me and words of encouragement to our friends over at the Gremmies?

Jess: The Gremlins have had arguably their worst season ever with only 1 win. I hesitate to say their entire winability stems from Erich scoring and Jamie holding it down in net—because they’ve historically been a scrappy team that can get it done together—but they need to find an X factor and fast. 

16 Rainbows

Jess: Alright hear me out I’m not going for blatant favoritism (I literally say we’re gonna lose all the time in previews)* BUT we have really been hanging this year despite our record. We scored 4 goals against FK (that’s got to count for something) and we haven’t really had any blowout losses. I’m also ranking us above the Butchers because we typically beat them when it counts.

Rich: Dude you only put 5 teams ahead of you. You’re fine. But beyond that…I’m beyond impressed with you guys. Losing your best player** a week before the season started could have been a death nail. You guys hung tough. You guys played a really good half vs. Fresh Kills. 

Jess: *you guys know i love you sm and are my favorite people in the league

**debatable

15 Rain Fears

Rich: The only team having a more disappointing season than Rain Fears are the Gremlins, Demons, Lbs. and Mets. Even Rubens played through the rain on Sunday. The only reason I’m ranking them so high is from 2017-2019 the playoffs have been delayed bc of them. 

Jess: It has come to my attention that Rubens did not play on Sunday but instead let his team play without him; so while I previously wrote he gets a pass on all demons x rain fears jokes next season, I rescind my offer.

14 Hookers

Rich: Cheeky has been lovely to Hero, so I’d rather focus on the positives. They always buy Bud Light after their games and I usually steal one without Newnam noticing. Sorta how none of them noticed when I sneaked past their D and scored on a breakaway! USA!! USA!!
Jess: Yes and if we focus on only the positives they’ve won 2 games!!! It’s evident in their record that this season is particularly tough due to new male talent getting dispersed to pretty much every other team besides The Hookers—they’re very lucky with the additions of Cheeky and Morgan.

13 Filthier

Rich: In 2015 the Mets made the World Series, Sheamus was WWE Champion and Filthier sat atop of the BTSH Universe. Much has changed since those times. Sadlier, the Mets, Sheamus and Filthier are no longer contenders for the top spot. I should note, I’m not really sad about Sheamus or Filthier. Good team but they need elite talent.

Jess: They have the goalkeeping talent that’s helping them hang tough but if they don’t add 2-4 new superstar players next year they’re going to def drop a division.

12 Anklebiters

Rich: I debated long and hard who should go higher Filthier or Anklebiters. Then I realized I should walk Hero he prob has to pee really badly. 

Hero: Pee more, write about Anklebiters less, Daddy. 

Jess: After seeing the Biters come back against WTP last week I think they deserve to be at 12. They’ve had a rough season but can clearly still hang. This is a next season problem but they need some newer young players because even golden boy Ben is getting old (no offense, pls still invite me to your wedding).

11- Bye Week

Rich: Is this like the NFL where when teams come off the Bye Week they have a crazy winning record? If so, watch out, you losers from Cobra Kai. 

Jess: Yeah, you Cobra Kai losers!!!!

10 Sky Fighters

Jess: I admittedly rolled my eyes at their cockiness in the beginning of the season but unlike most teams they’ve really put their money where their mouth is and have been on a winning streak. It’s going to be a tight race for who gets out of d4— Sky Fighters or Mega and if I’m being honest I would like it to be SF. They’re the team that historically is the ‘farm system’ of the league and I think it’s about time they get taken a little more seriously and retain some talent. Let’s see if their confidence holds steady with Poutine, Demons, and Fresh Kills as their final opponents of the regular season.

Rich: I have an infinity for the Sky Fighters franchise. They won the 2009 BTSH Championship by upsetting heavily favored WTP. Things have gone south since then, but with Dan Hopper back, Jake being steady on D they’ve really improved. Emily is an elite Hero watcher btw. 

9 Poutine

Jess: Before anyone comes for me, yes, I know, they only have 1 loss but it’s tough to rank them higher when they almost lost to Rotten Math. SBJ being gone is definitely a hit to their scoring prowess but they have so many other girls and guys who can get it done. 

Rich: That’s what Poutine does. They almost lose and almost beat everyone. In their whole existence they haven’t had a game decided by 3 or more goals. I’m sure that’s not actually true. The point is, they play up or down to their comp. They can win the title. I don’t think they will, but they def can.

8  What the Puck

Jess: Normally I would rank them higher but their schedule thus far has not been very difficult. Sure they beat Filthy 2-0 and Lbs 4-3 (again, not that impressive, they aren’t as good as they used to be) but I would like to see how they do with their remaining games against arguably tougher teams (Biters, Cobra Kai, Rehabs, Hookers).

Rich: Is this the team Annie actually plays for? Has she ever scored for them or just you guys and the Lbs. in a shootout? If it seems I’m a little salty for her ruining Fuzz chance at a perfect season, well let’s just say outside of Cat, there is no one I’m more salty of in this league. 

Jess: Damn, how will Annie recover from that first degree burn.

7 Mega Touch

Jess: Rich is going to kill me for saying this but firstly, Courtney and Tash have played multiple entire games all season (YEAH I KNOW, ANDREA AND KELSEY DO IT TOO AND THEY’RE THE BEST ALSO). Anyways after that shout out to my ladies, this year’s Mega is tough competition. They’ve hung in every game and even their loss to Poutine was getting too close for comfort according to Sully. I don’t think they should be underestimated.

Rich: Girls playing entire games happen all the time in BTSH. It’s not at all unique and I never understood why we celebrate this. I would think the opposite should be celebrated. Six women showing up every game because it would show team spirit/commitment. That said, Julie, do you have Courtney/Tash’s emails? I want to ask them something. #PoachingSeasonStartsEarly

6 Rehabs

Jess: Rehabs get the 5 spot due to their overall reputation but when you look at their schedule this year they’ve lost to the tougher teams (Fresh Kills, Fuzz) and surprisingly to the Hookers. They’re elite enough to stay in the 1st division (better than Filthier & Lbs) but when it comes to playoffs I don’t see them making it into the semi finals.

Rich: I actually moved them to 6th because Avery and Karsten are back and with Alex’s shady Rain Fears game and a half next week, Luke will make 2 more games in one day. It appears Alex May is not playing for the Habs this year and with the loss of Sena, I think they are still a super dangerous and talented team. Hicks also wants the world to know they are undefeated since he became captain. This guy is almost as bad as Friedman. (See Karma preview)

5 Lbs

Rich: Props to the players that show up week in and week out. Zisser, Kelsey, Alex, Caitlin, new girl Melanie, Joel and Boylan (Boylan almost never shows up but if I don’t include her and she finds out about it there will be hell to pay). But it just feels like the team as a whole are treating this like a weekend Feasterville Tournament. That said, this team can win the PBR Cup. 

Jess: I will kindly state they’re still holding their own thanks to Frey and Kelsey playing multiple full games and fielding decent FA talent. Alex definitely cares, a lot, so disagree on the Feasterville comment but the ‘treat the regular season like nothing and make the 4 game minimum’ motto of many of their players is really annoying. And yet I think they will still make semis.

Rich: Alex (and I) care about weekend Feasterville Tournaments. 

4 Karma

Rich: Jess, you think you want Fuzz to lose, but you don’t. The only people that ever gloats are Miles and Sig, Sig left and Miles doesn’t know anyone. The team you don’t want to win is Karma! Outside of the classy Vernoia siblings and one of the two Tremble sisters, these are all miserable human beings, especially and obviously their goalie. That said, as horrible as they are as humans, they are conversely all very good at hockey, sans Isaac. He’s average. This is a legit title contender. They have 2 superstars in Derek/Austin. Their women are some of the best collectively in the league and as much as I despise Friedman, I’d love to play for him. He’s such a positive goalie. They’ve never made the semis. They are like Baby Hitler. They must be stopped. Hopefully they play Fresh Kills in round of 8. 

Jess: Please don’t hype Austin up like that (it’s too late for Derek). We also can’t forget about Braun. I’m working on telling people when they’re right and I’m wrong even though I hate it so much (hi Scott) and, you’re right. If Friedman sends emails to the media after every regular season game making the case for Karma to get a star, I can’t even begin to imagine the emails I’ll be getting during playoffs or if they win the entire thing. Spare me.

3 Cobra Kai

Jess: It pains me to inflate Russ’ ego like this but credit (not to Russ) where credit is due. The storyline last season was ‘what will become of the dojo without Campbell’ and honestly despite him lying and being back in NYC all the freaking time, Casca is doing great in goal. They’re essentially picking up where they left off and maybe their addition of Yetter will pay off and he’ll finally score a goal where it matters in the back half of this season—or playoffs. 

Rich: They were #2 when we originally wrote this but their loss to the Lbs. made them drop a spot. They went for it with big market signings of Sig, Yetter, Ryann and Casca.(Sadly Fuzz poached back Ryann in a brilliant plan by me and executed by Jeff) They’ve lost in the finals and semis before, so only a championship will suffice. They certainly are one of the teams who can win. Let’s see how they do against Fuzz in 2 weeks. We won’t have any girls, but our boys will be motivated…after Sig texted me telling me he guarantees Cobra Kai doesn’t lose another game this season. 

2 Fresh Kills

Jess: With the Butchers and Sky Fighters as their remaining 2 games it looks like FK is going to cruise to an 8-2 season. Their first game when they lost to Cobra Kai was before they acquired all those Lake Forest ringers and their other loss was to Fuzz. Maybe it’s the crotchety fake old schooler in me but it seems kind of lame to stack a team full of ringers and then just win allllll the time. Where’s the excitement?! At least Gabe and Ariel (and Meg) know how to socialize after the games and that is my biggest qualm with the newbies.

Rich: Man you shit on the Sky Fighters. Don’t worry, they’ll never read anything but their own. I agree, the #24s and Colby Girls should party more. But so should the league. There hasn’t been one league sponsored Super Spreader event. This league needs to find its fun again.
Hockey wise, this is an incredibly talented team. They give up a lot of goals, but I think it’s because they don’t care because they know they will win by 3 (at least) every game.

1 Fuzz

Jess: Let it be known Rich did not place Fuzz at number 1, I did. They had 1 loss in their first game of the season against Lbs in a shootout and have comfortably won every game since. We hate to see it. Someone please knock them out in the playoffs; I don’t think I can stand the gloating if they win 3 years in a row. *princess Leia voice*: Help us Fresh Kills, you’re our only hope.

Rich: Cutler asked me what it would take for me to love Fuzz as much as the Elves. I think it’s happened. We never complain to the refs unless Russ is reffing and there have been zero incidents with our opponents. I hope the destination leads us to the PBR Cup, but either way the journey has been a lot of fun. And Sig, I mean this sincerely. I miss you as a teammate, and you’re losing when we play you on August 22. Believe that.