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2022 Power Rankings

by Glnzr, Meatbox, Arya Stark, & Jess

Jess: Alright folks it’s officially halfway through the season and The Media is giving the people what they want: Mid Season Power Rankings by everyone’s favorite consortium of media men!!!!

Glnzr: Before we get started, I invited Jess because I feel we need a women’s touch, and also someone who will over-rate teams like the Riots, who are doing great, but in a lower division.

Jess: ignoring the lightly sexist comment, I’m also here to correct your grammar. It’s a woman’s touch not women, the plural form of woman. Also, I missed a slam dunk on making some joke about you and a woman’s touch BUT I DIGRESS.

Glnzr: Before we start, I think I’m going to put the Vertz at 19.

Alex: I think you ranked the Vertz too high. In all seriousness, I am going to take this assignment seriously as if this writeup was being read by people who actually care about hockey rankings even though I know Jess is rolling her eyes as we speak.

Me every time Frey lets me #collab with him on d5 media

Some good players but not people (except Ryan Hughes) play on these teams

  1. Fuzz. 

Alex: Like the Tampa Bay Lightning, I don’t expect them to really start playing their best game til the playoffs start.  And until someone knocks them off or Jeff finally moves to Florida, they have to stay in the #1 spot by default – everybody knows the rules.  And if they really do add the NBHL ringer goalie from NJ to their playoff roster, we are all fucked.

Rich: Jeff and Alexa have a beautiful home in Jersey. Stay out of our real estate issues, unless you know of better condos in Ronkonkoma.
Jess: I would like to enact a league-wide ban on NJ-ers and Long Islanders and see what happens for fun.

Hicks: do we still do the “fuzz!” thing on social media or is that over since they’ve won three in a row? Asking for Eli.
Jess: no and thank you for reminding me to leave their fan page 

  1. Ver…just kidding. Lbs.
    Rich: Sam/Avery are best 1-2 punch in league. Roberts is great role player. Kelsey/Hilary are tight on D and of course Cherie. Liz stole $7.
    Jess: Rich how could you forget Scott 

Alex: we are sexy
Jess: Alex knows how much I love rooting against the Lbs but I think they’re one of the few teams that could actually beat Fuzz this year (talent + determination + penchant for chugging sangria at Patrizia’s) and win the cup. I hope it happens for the sake of Frey’s mental health and so we can all publicly dunk on Fuzz in the media next season.

Hicks: if Lbs win it all this year, we need “welcome to pound town 2022” shirts made asap. 

  1. Fresh Kills.
    Rich: Breaking news. This reporter heard Gabe offer to fly Meg back if they make semis/finals. And then he went from offering to fly her back to paying for only half of it. No (hicks edit: lol, it’s know, rich) your worth, Meg. That said, this team is insanely good. When Ariel is your worst guy…well it’s better than Fuzz’s worst guy. If they ever won any games, I’d rank them higher.
    Alex: a sick collection of young talent and grizzled vets like Ariel and Gabe (sorry Gabey, you’ve ascended to old man mentioned alongside Ariel status and yes I know you’re only one year older than me). That said the losses of Meg and Ryan are huge and Lily has ghosted more people at this point than actual ghosts.
    Jess: Frey, you keep adding 2 spaces after your periods and it’s really annoying to correct. Did you use a typewriter or something, you can’t be that old?? Anyways yeah FK is really good and if Louis is the ‘worst’ of the Fresh Boys then that should give you people some idea of how annoying it is to play these guys. But I will say sometimes they forget this isn’t ice hockey or whatever the rules are in Canada and it costs them some plays.
    Alex: I’ve never used a typewriter!

Also a contender to win in 2022

  1. Cobra Kai. 

Alex: an uncharacteristically poor start to the season but all their losses have been to top teams and attendance issues have plagued them.  Don’t care what their record is, they’ll step it up come playoff time.

Rich: Old victories and excellent roster are carrying them to this 4 seed. Karma/Biters     deservedly pissed.
Jess: Whether it’s Casca or Campbell in net their defense will be locked down. Not many weak points on this team as both the men and women on this team are sharpshooters. They could cruise to the PBR cup finals if they can avoid FK or Lbs in previous rounds.

Hicks: “they could cruise to the finals if they can avoid two of the top three teams on their way there”

… so can most teams in the top ten? C’mon Jessica. 
Rich: I guess if they play us in first round, Fuzz is screwed!

Jess: What I mean is I think only Cobra Kai and Lbs could beat Fuzz if it really comes down to it. FK and Biters could give Fuzz a run for their money but I’m not as confident in that matchup. BUT I’d anticipate a Dojo loss against FK/Lbs. SO yeah an early Fuzz matchup would be preferable. Enjoy this “math” chart below:

Cobra Kai > Fuzz

Cobra Kai < Fresh Kills / Lbs

Cobra Kai < Biters 

Not contenders but can win

  1. Vertz.
    Rich: I asked some people where I should rank them. Hicks said 1, Cutler said 19, Cutler’s Burner said 12th. Anyways, they have a super solid core, an overrated and over sensitive to honorable mentions goaltender, and Elly. I’m super torn because Cutler wins wherever she goes but Hicks loses. But since Hicks can bench 3 times more than her I’m going with the loser. Also, I think it’s crazy the Biters aren’t ahead of them. (I have the Biters ranked 5)
    Alex: an absolutely bizarre start to the season but as Hicks has been telling me basically nonstop for 5 months, don’t let the Vertz get hot.
    Jess: Tim is the best goalie in the league and it shows in how many games he’s kept them in. Not to gas Hicks up any more than he needs to be but when the Vertz are hot it is tough to stop them. I think they’ve finally figured out their chemistry but there’s still a lot of individual play happening and the teams ahead of them in this power ranking can pass like some sort of freakish hive mind. +1 for Cutler Burner.

Hicks: to quote Jahk McGinty, “they don’t ask how (you score), they ask how many”. DONT LET THE VERTZ STAY HOT.
Alex: to quote Jahk McGinty, “I had a dream I was practicing in net and I asked someone to film me on a few shots so I could see my angles, form, etc.  when they played the film back, I was Marc Andre Fleury.”

jack you should know by now no texts to any media members are safe

  1. Karma.
    Rich: They get hurt bc I’m not sure if Derek and Austin will play for them in playoffs. I’d put them 4 based on their record if I knew they were. I think if they make semis they can guilt Derek back from Florida but I think Austin will be at base camp on K2 and not receiving texts. Also having a pair of siblings like the Vernoia’s and those other two sisters is pretty cool.
    Alex: they would rank higher if not for Derek living in Florida and Austin moving to god knows where in a month or so. Derek will prob fly in for playoffs; we may never see AK again. 6 feels fair for all the uncertainty going on with their roster.
    Jess: they still have Braun and Kevin (and Isaac and Stabel) and solid goaltending from Steven makes them a viable threat but not quarter-finals worthy imho.
    Hicks: “save us Dr Oopie” -Steve, probably.
    Alex: the only thing Braun is saving is himself for marriage

  1. Anklebiters.

    Alex:  this team is a nightmare matchup and can beat anyone on any day of the week as they just showed with a gritty 3-2 win over Fuzz.  But Probie still has to shoulder too much of the scoring load for me to rank them in the top 6.

Rich: Before the season, someone said the Vertz should be in division 1 and the Biters should be in 2. I immediately texted this person and admonished him. The Biters play hard every game and hustle is the #1 killer of opposing teams’ talent. They beat FK and took 3 of 4 points from Fuzz. How they are ranked 7th is a testament to Frey/Jess/Hicks absconding their duties.
Jess: Let the record show I had the Biters ranked at #4 so you can stop being overtly nice to Probie now, Rich. As someone who needs a calculator to figure out tipping, y’all made me do math and maybe I got it wrong but the discrepancies in ranking between the 4 of us placed the Biters at #7. BUT I DIGRESS. Biters are a sick team and I’m anticipating a lengthy playoffs run.
Alex: Rich is just sucking up to Probert so he doesn’t get fired from his front office gig with the Green Street Hooligans.

Rich: You people are idiots. Probie was the one who said the Vertz should be higher. I told him he was wrong. The Anklebiters beat FK WITHOUT Probie, and the Biters took 3 of 4 points from us. Probie scored zero goals against us in Game 2. If you know hockey, you know hustle is the #1 killer of talent. The Biters hustle. 

  1. WTP.
    Rich: From a reliable source…they added one of the best players in the country. I hope they enjoyed their 2019 Schlitz (they did), bc they’ll never see that tourney again. They just became a very dangerous team to the rest of the league.
    Alex: Hogg’s done an admirable job despite a rash of injuries and retirements.  Their week 1 victory over the Vertz was one of the upsets of the year.

Hicks: Hogg in net should solidify that position for them and make them much tougher to score against but I am genuinely curious how taking your best scorer off the rink will work out for them.
Jess: unclear if the guy Rich is talking about is that dude Phil but Meg glanced over at their bench last week and said “that guy played at Colby” and if there’s one thing we know, Colby delivers grade-A players to this league. 

  1. Hookers 

Alex: rich man’s Demons; roster looks sick on paper but results don’t quite match the promise. Still, no one will want to face them in the playoffs.

Rich: I think Mega is better. 

Hicks: I think the hookers are consistently underrated given the talent they have on paper, but it’s hard to argue with the results (plz don’t use this logic on the Vertz because we are hot right now and everyone knows the first 5 games for a new team don’t count).

Good season but not 2022 ready

  1. Mega.
    Rich: We all know their girls but they have a couple of guys we don’t know who are really good. Yes, I don’t expect them to win but I’m glad there’s an outside chance of it. However if anyone realizes Tash can move laterally and don’t just run straight towards her (Jess, Yehuda), Mega will never win again. At least Julie is pretty.
    Jess: I’m just flattered you think I’m as fast as a 20 year old.
    Alex: best women in the league, bar none.  Sadly the guys haven’t quite caught up and although I like their roster, I don’t see them winning more than one playoff round.

Hicks: we need a jorts + raspberry week asap.

  1. Poutine.
    Rich: Gotta give it up to Mikey. They lost a lot of people but they are a fun team that still plays hard. I think they are in midcard hell, meaning they’re too good for the Schlitz but not yet ready for the PBR Cup. Jerome likes Quirdle.
    Alex: after losing half their roster in the offseason (Jack, Otis, Russo, Sully, Charlotte, Nico and Dickie), things looked shaky in Poutine land.  Luckily for fans of gritty hockey, gritty reboots and 13th Step, Mikey has executed a tip-top rebuild that has Poutine, shockingly, pretty much in the same place in the power ranks where they’ve been the past few seasons.  Daly, Lyons and the Hamilton girls have been spirited additions while Jeff Green can steal any game he’s in (just keep him away from Scandinavian women).  And with McQuade back and seemingly on his way to making five games, it’s an impressive turnaround and a great underdog story.  And if you disagree, Mikey will probably call you a scumbag.

Hicks: does anyone have phone numbers for some Scandinavian women? I hear they love ball hockey.

  1. Sky Fighters.
    Rich: With Wes in the league…a super nice Canadian who is good at hockey, I really don’t see the reason why we are keeping Gabe from FK. We don’t need two of these and Wes is younger. Also, Emily loves Hero so I’m a fan of this team.
    Alex: a scrappy group built for the playoffs but they need one more star scorer next to Wes (and arguably Hopper) to jump to the next tier.

Hicks: this team could give any team in the league a scare in the playoffs, it’s just hard to see them pulling off the 4 scares needed to win a title. Also please stop being mean to their goalie, Jessica.
Jess: I’m not the one who made James getting scored on the cover photo!!! And I was out of town for BOTH our games I will not stand for this slander.

  1. Riots.
    Rich: The league MVP goes to Eric. There was a battle to see if he was a BTSH HOFer. I said yes, not everyone did. Credit to Suz as well for building a tough team around him.
    Alex: when they added Ramirez I said that one roster move might be enough to win the division. They’re now only one point back of the lead after an lolshootout win over the Sky Fighters. 
    Jess: as a d4 player, the Riots were never a ‘guaranteed’ win but I agree, with Eric and some new blood it’s become even more of a battle within our division.
  1. Filthier.
    Alex:  a very stealthy rebuild centered around the Salt Boyz has somewhat dulled the pain of losing BTSH legends James & Ann. Still a few pieces away from contender status but way ahead of where I expected they’d be at this point.

Hicks: credit where it’s due, this team has been much better than I anticipated them being after last season. 

  1. Demons
    Alex: this team has too much talent to be ranked this low, but I’ve also seen too many underwhelming performances to rank them any higher.  On the bright side Gene is back and, if his back holds up, will likely whip their asses into shape by playoff time.


Jess: ah, Gene, good for their hockey image, terrible for their PR image.

Rich: He got into an altercation with someone from the Butchers last week. So much has changed in my life but the Demons getting written up has always been my constant.

Some good people but not players (except Dana T.) play on these teams 

  1. Rainbows
    Alex: Mike and Nico have been great additions but they’ll need to poach Joel from my cold dead hands to move up any further in the rankings.

Jess: challenge accepted re: your cold dead hands. Give us 2 more seasons and then it’s #comebackszn

Rich: Now that Mega is wearing pink, you should switch to black.
Jess: Don’t get me started!!! I was thinking gray with maroon/red. #cancelmega.

  1. Gremlins

Alex: some tough personnel losses have dropped 2019s semifinalist to bottom 4 position.  On the bright side, Walker’s getting all the playing time he can handle these days.

Rich: A little creepy but the Gremlins are the opposite of this.

Jess: The Gremlins have played together for a really long time but they play a slower game these days that just can’t keep up with the top half of the league. 

  1. Bad Seeds
    Alex: seeing Dave GDR with a wood blade stick and a modern goalie helmet has been one of the highlights of the season.

Rich: Dave GDR is the GOAT but Jesus Christ man! If Romeo is forcing us to pay for his baby, Dave should start a GoFundMe for a 1990s Mylec he can buy on ebay. The 1970s version needs to be retired.

Jess: I have no idea what’s going on. Similar to the Gremlins, this old school team has a lot of experienced players but the new era of BTSH seems to be impossible to stop, making it hard for teams with this style of play to really make an impact in the top half of the league.

Hicks: please don’t bring up GoFundMe, you’ll trigger Probert #whereisthemoffomoney
Jess: I heard those new boards are gonna get put in any day now…

  1. Butchers
    Alex:  the team that gave me a two game tryout in 2015 will always have a place in my heart but it’s tough times in pig knife land.
    Jess:  It’s crazy to me that when I first joined the league in 2018 this was a middle of the road team with some sharp shooters and the Rainbows had an ‘upset’ playoff play-in game win against them. People moved teams, had babies, decided beer league hockey wasn’t their life priority and as a result the team has suffered. 

Rich: In 2010 and 2011 they made back to back semi-finals. In 2012 they were beating FK 1-0 late in playoff game. All those players from those great moments are dead. Or just a lot older and play like they’re dead. Rachel and Art’s baby is extremely cute though. Prob 1/2 evil as well.

  1. Agents
    Alex: glad that a lot of new players are getting a shot to join the league with this expansion/reexpansion franchise but if they don’t finish bottom 5 I will eat my shoe. 
    Jess: Sorry y’all. When you stop losing games by 4+ goals you can move up a spot. I also think The Agents are just victims of 0 team chemistry but once they get some consistency they should start changing things up.

Rich: I only saw like 5 min of them play. They scored against the Rainbows and I felt happy for them. I don’t know what happened to them in their first few games but they’ve improved a ton already and I hope it leads to more Ws. I think we should write about their new players so we get to know them better. 

  1. Vertz


Rich: Scheduling Vertz vs. Fuzz the day after Miles wedding next level move. We are now even from the Rehabs non-rainout. Tell Seb.

Jess: I don’t know why I’m allowing this to stay in but if you made it this far into this article congrats you deserve some sort of medal and maybe a therapy session

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