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Playoff Previews 2021

By Glnzr

If you want “Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is”, I have some bad news. You’re going to have to wait ‘til like week 3 of 2022 when Cat returns because the playoffs are here and it’s time to talk about hockey! (But in case you can’t wait, the Rainbows are the African dwarf frog because a lot of their girls including Cat are not tall. Am I allowed to say small? I think that’s ok. They are small.)

Filthier at Instant Karma

As we all know from Friedman’s relentless emails, Karma’s women are better than your women. But much like the “Homer at the Plate” episode, one by one they all have an excuse not to come. On Sunday, Isaac was asking every girl if they would sub, and he even asked Charlotte from Math so you know he’s desperate. Thankfully for Karma, Brianna will be there.

Meanwhile Filthier has had a brutal season in Division 1. After the loss of (obligatory Ann/James reference) Ann and James, Filthier only won 1 game (3 total). But with JJ, Sunny, both Toms, some dude named Blake, Andrew and Kate, they will be ready to play.

Prediction: This is so hard. Austin/Derek are the two best players on the rink. The rest of Karma play a very gritty and smart game. I’ve been on the Karma bandwagon all season, but against the top division, they got blown out by the Rehabs. They have beat Poutine twice and emaciated Lbs. team back when the Lbs. didn’t care. I’ve been down on Filthier all season. But FK beat Cobra Kai, and played most of the top division teams very tough. I expect Tim K. to play great and win 2-1. Prove me wrong Karma.

Hookers at Cobra Kai

When CK poached Sig and Ryann from Fuzz, they planted a flag in the middle of TSP and said, “We’re here to win the whole damn thing.” Then they went full heel mode and stole Yetter from former league sweethearts Rainbows. CK finished in 3rd, but really, who cares? The season starts now. 

The Hookers only won 2 games, but they were against Rehabs and Anklebiters, and 3 of their losses were in OT/shootout. They are coming off a 1-0 victory over Rotten Math, which is nice that they got a shutout in the playin game, but has little meaning when you consider they borrowed two goalies to get that shutout, and they played Rotten Math.  

Prediction: Cobra Kai beat them 4-1 earlier in the season. I expect a 4-0 shutout this time.

Rainbows at Fresh Kills

I feel like these teams play every year and every year the Rainbows give FK a game. While they lost 8-4 this season, it was close for a while. I truly feel Jess should get MVP consideration for how well they played this year. But she won’t get GM of the year. That will go to Gabe who got his 4 ringer Canadians. 

Prediction: I really hope the Rainbows come in thinking they can win and play their asses off. This would be such an epic win, by far the biggest win in the history of this league. But this isn’t a safe space, it’s a prediction space. 7-1 FK.

Demons at Mega Touch

Mega had their best regular season ever and earned their 5th seed. In their last 3 games they’ve outscored their opponents 12-2.

The Demons will come into this game with the best goal scorer in Gene, the best shooter in Amit, and the biggest jerk with this guy that actually has tattoos of every Super Bowl win the Patriots have in Jeff. Ahhh Jeff’s a good kid…just a little entitled. He should become a Met fan. I digress.

Prediction: Doink! Sorry, still laughing at Belichick’s idiotic decision to try a 56-yard-FG in the rain where even if Folk makes it Brady is just gonna come back down the field and score. I have Mega winning this game. Come playoff time, Mega often has a great game in them. In 2019 they lost 1-0 to the Rehabs. I see a 3-2 victory in OT. Jeff B.—if he shows—scores the winner. Do they even have a Jeff B.? 

Anklebiters at Rehabs

No one was hurt more by the virus than the Anklebiters, who had all their new young studs leave, and all their Schuey’s and Phil’s stay. 

Well…I guess the people that died and got sick suffered worse fates. Meanwhile the Rehabs haven’t lost since Hicks took over as coach. Their win vs. Karma was about as impressive of a win that the league saw this season.

Prediction: They played each other the first game of the season and for one of these teams, they will play each other the last game of the season. That team will be the Anklebiters as the Rehabs will roll 4-2. Somehow Rehabs will play Fuzz in QF. 

WTP at Poutine

We all love the boyfriend/girlfriend matchup of Tadpole Jack vs. my new nemesis Annie. However both will be in Hawaii visiting James M., since Jack doesn’t play BTSH playoff games (missed Math’s lone 2019 playoff game) and Annie only scores for literally every single other team except WTP.  

Jack’s favorite coach
Marcella after Annie scored for Rainbows against Gremmies)

WTP had 3 straight games against top conference teams in Anklebiters, CK, and Rehabs and lost them all. Poutine lost twice to Karma (unless Justin F’d up the website which is probably since he never gave the stats) and also lost to the Lbs.

Prediction: Every year the top conference wants to welcome Poutine into the 2nd div with open arms. But they never come in first and they always lose a tough 2-1 game in the playoffs. Too bad for them JSB isn’t visiting Jack and Annie at Tompkins. They won’t need them though…a late goal by Sully seals the deal. 2-1 Poutine. 

Skyfighters at Lbs.

“Thanks a lot assholes.” That’s what I’m sure Emily said to the Lbs. after they punted the first half and then tried in the second half. SF had a really good season and if they would have beaten Mega, they would have been in 5th place instead of 9th, and facing the Demons instead of the Lbs.

The Lbs. were rooting for the pandemic as no one showed their first 5 games (even though they started 2-0 and beat Fuzz but only bc of Annie/Joel shooting in the shootout). However, since Avery decided to show against the Butchers, the Lbs. have returned to their elite play.

Prediction: Much like FK vs. Rainbows, wrong place, wrong time for the Sky Fighters. Mia, remember, cover Frey at the point or he may get another hat trick like he did in OC. And fuck, I just realized we play the same time as SF and Lbs., so I can’t ask Emily or Caitlin to watch Hero (gratuitous Hero mention). (I would have mentioned you Liz but you didn’t pick up the phone when I called you.)

Gratuitous Hero pic

Butchers at Fuzz *Guest writer appearance by Dingle McCringle*

The best part about being the editor, is that I can put whatever I’d like in this section, and Glnzr won’t see it until it’s too late. So without further ado…Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is!!! (Glnzr’s article title, not mine.)

I was tempted to say that the Butchers are a Poison Dart Frog after they served a deadly dose of hockey to the Gremlins last Sunday, but I think they’re more of a Fire-bellied toad. A truly beautiful toad with triangular pupils. With some truly skilled players and BTSH icons like Jake T., Rachel, and Akhil—and Timmy B. in net—don’t sleep on the Butchers. 

Solved: the mysterious origin of the world's most devastating wildlife  disease | Science | AAAS

Glnzr wanted me to mention that the last time Fuzz played Butchers, he had three assists. But joke’s on him because assists aren’t a thing in BTSH. That makes Fuzz a Barking Frog because, unlike Hero, Glnzr is all bark and no bite. BUT, Fuzz has more than enough firepower to provide the bite in Jeff, Sig, Ryann, and Malik.  

Prediction: While this would be a massive upset if Butchers took down the #1 seed, I see Fuzz hopping along to an easy win. But this’ll toad-ally be a great game to watch. Ribbit. 

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