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Playoffs Previews: Round of 16

by various media members

Biters v Fuzz

23andMia: You cannot call out our beloved league without using the letters BTS, the same letters that identify the K-pop sensation who between 2014 and 2023, will have contributed $29.1 trillion to the South Korean economy, according to Forbes. Fuzz might be our BTS: a handpicked super group brought together to rise to the top who have infused the league with an incomparable wealth only to be described as “the world according to Glanzer”.

Earlier this week, the other media that’s not us reported that the entire BTS band will join the South Korean military for two years, as mandated by law. There will be no special treatment for Jin, J-Hope and others… they will grind it out, just like the Ankle Biters do every Sunday. BTS will do what they have to do at this stage of their lives, much like Probie, Amy and Phill, who don’t even live in the city anymore but travel from afar to represent. Let’s hope no one gets desecrated by a crazy North Korean in the next two years… or ever. 

Prediction: Ankle Biters fall, honorably, 3-2

Cat: commenting to stay on BTStok

JW: Who are BTS?

please someone get this meme

Filthier v Sky Fighters

Jess: Honestly, I think the Sky____Fighters have the edge here. They play more cohesively than Filthier who, although rostering some skilled individuals, don’t seem to fully click as a unit.

Prediction: Sky Fighters 3-2

Rich: I played against Filthier two weeks ago when I let Karma use all their good players. They are good. I think SF will have their hands full. Playoffs are way different than the regular season and I know KG has the Clutch Gene as she scored 3 goals including one in the finals in OC. (23andMia: The first of KG’s goals happened within the first three minutes of her first ever shift at OC.) I also don’t think Ellie does as she was really bad at pool in our 3 losses to Alex. I’m going with Jake, Wes, Emily in this one 2-1. 

Karma v Fresh Kills

Jim Apple: There are about 15 different versions of this game based on what combination of attendance each team is able to achieve. Does Meg fly in? Does Lily feel like going to the rink on Sunday? Has AK found a couch to sleep on? Is Derek still at the beach? How many Bron/ Brauns show up? Safe to assume an FBI agent will be present at the courts checking Fresh Kills working visas. Canadians beware. 

Jess: Lucky for Bron he has dual citizenship and yes I’m putting this in writing so we can legally claim him for the US v Canada BTSH game I want to speak into existence. No shot Meg flies in because Gabe is a liar but fake Facebook Gabe would fly her back for the round of 16 in a second. 

Rich: Fake FB Gabe > Real FB Gabe! Bron is a Canadian so he plays with them. 4-2 FK. 

Butchers v Mega Touch

Rich: I think Mega will win but considering the Butchers advanced even though they lost to the Hookers, I like their chances at being BTSH’s version of Jesus, of dying and coming back. 6-0 Mega, with Butchers moving on. Don’t delete this you, coward!

Hookers v Mega Touch

I was subconsciously rooting for the Butchers I guess. Here’s the real preview:

Cat: I worry the Hookers will underestimate Mega Touch, and given how great Julie is at motivating her team, and how great defensively they are, I really think in the end Mega will have the edge against a higher division team. 

JW: We played against Mega week 1 and they were absolutely stifling….oops, I already said this in another preview earlier this season. Man, definitely running out of (mental) gas these days. We did not play the Hookers this season, but I did watch their play-in game against the Butchers on Sunday. They have a lot of talent, and they have speed. Mega has the same but they also have (with the exception of Danilo) stronger defense. And I believe it was Snagglepuss who said “defense wins championships”. Or maybe it was Grape Ape. I can’t remember anything anymore. 

Prediction: Mega, 4-3, in regulation.

Dingle: It was a close call for Hookers last Sunday after bribing the refs getting a fortunate play-on call allowed them to score the OT winner against Butchers. In this one, they’ll need all the Abraham Lincolns and George Washingtons they can bring to get some calls to go their way against Mega. Just remember the rules of BTSH: 

  1. Don’t be a dick
  2. Make sure to also grease the wheels of your Media Editors 🙂

Demons v Riots

Jess: While the Demons lost the majority of their exemption vote players (shocker), they were able to get Brad approved, who will no doubt provide some defensive fire power. Riots have the edge with goaltending but Demons have the edge with offense. It’s gonna be a tight one. Prediction: Demons in OT

Rich: Not surprising the only two teams losing in the exemption vote were Filthier and the Demons. If Neal, Jeff, Brad show up I like the Demons chances. But still going with Riots 2-1. 

Jess: idk who Neal is but if Neil comes I agree it’s better for the Demons

JW: Oh snap, Rich, she just JW’d you. 

RG: Revenge was a dish served scolding hot to me. Good job Jess. 

Jess: related/unrelated doesn’t Jeff look like a Disney channel villain from a ski movie?

Vertz v Lbs

Rich: Don’t let the Vertz lose their first playoff game. I’ll say something nice. Hicks did a great job building this franchise. In one season they’ve done more for the league than many franchises have in 5 seasons. They poached from everyone not just one team. But there’s no way they beat the Lbs. 4-1. 

Jim Apple: The story here is great and honestly could be turned into a movie pending the outcome of this game. The Lbs, favorites to win the game, are feared by many in the league and have played together for years. The Vertz, backed by America and with the odds stacked against them, must come together as a team despite their short tenure as an organization. The cast would be packed full of stars. I’d imagine we would see James Spader playing the role of Lbs captain, Alex Frey:

quite possibly the best take of the media, i have heard Frey say “I am the lizard king” on more than one occasion

You’d have to think on the opposite end of the court Dwayne Johnson would be getting the call to be cast as Hicks:

Hicks wishes.

Anyways, Vertz 4-3 and Hicks cries. 

Hicks: Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. You sweep Karma, you get Source to actually fill out the attendance form (which half the league apparently still struggles with, wtf?), and your reward is… a first round matchup with the Lbs. Sometimes life isn’t fair (much like sus play-in round reffing). In the hit TV series, The Blacklist, James Spader once said, “You can’t judge a book by its cover. But you can by it’s first few chapters and certainly by its last.” People (aka Rich) want to write off the Vertz based on their first few chapters but to quote Natasha Bedingfield: 

“Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain (fears) on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today (Sunday) is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Rich: “Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. “

Wait does Hicks think 15 is a great playoff seed???

Rainbows v Cobra Kai

Cat: I’m not going to pretend this is going to be our underdog karate kid moment BUT just a reminder that the last time Rainbows matched up against CK in the playoffs, I scored the first goal on Campbell and he still cries about it.

Dingle: We have some wild comparisons being thrown around right now (Hicks being compared to The Rock is an all-time ego boost). But having watched Rainbows over the years grow from a one-win franchise to an ~above .500 franchise~ even with notable players bouncing a week before the season **cough cough Yetter and Tarny cough cough**, they’re a good group of scrapers that are most importantly well-liked in the league. 

Does that mean they have what it takes to beat The Dojo? I don’t think so. In this matchup, I’d compare Rainbows to a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Sugary, yummy, overall a good time. But Cobra Kai are coming in like the kid who always raced to the front of the line for elementary school lunch, and they’re eatin’ good this Sunday. 

Nom nom, CK wins 5-2 after a eerily quiet first half where Rainbows stay in it until the floodgates open. 

Jess: Dingle is biased because he literally lives on the same street as Yetter. This preview is horseshit!!!! I’m kicking you both out of the south brooklyn carpool. 

WTP v Poutine

JW: The Pucks beat the Gremlins last week on the strength of stellar goaltending and defense, and they’re going to need it against Poutine……wait, actual hockey previews are boring. The Pucks are like……Oglethorpe, and Poutine are like……Emory? Hmm, maybe not. I don’t think either team are like Carl, nor the Mooninites, though. Only like 3 people get this reference, come on JW. I have never seen a single second of Game Of Thrones or The Sopranos, so this is what you get. 

In any case, the Pucks keep it close but Poutine takes this one, 4-2 (no empty netter). 

Dingle: I was fairly confident JW’s comparisons were a Slapshot reference, but then when he mentioned Mooninites, I’m thinking it’s a cult thing now? I dunno and we’re at the end of the previews, so Google it on your own time. 

We’ve got a one-loss Poutine team with a hell-if-I-know full roster going up against a scrappy WTP team that was penned in as possible D2 winners this season. If Hogg’s in net, it might be a closer affair than expected, but I’m in agreement with cult-loving JW here, Poutine win this one.  

Jess: I personally witnessed Mikey begging Jeff to keep things tame this Saturday night. Unless someone from WTP takes one for the team and invites Jeff to party at House of Yes until 4am, I think Poutine is safe. 

See you Sunday!!

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