by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle
If you haven’t heard already, there’s a new BTSH regime in charge. Russ and Nico are taking the reins from The Meatbox™ and Madame Commisionherr as heads of the league, and there will be sweeping changes across the board.
We, your devoted, faithful, and amazingly good-looking media team have been given new instructions on how to create content for this beautiful league—and how to update y’all on what each team has been up to.
propaganda article on this off-season’s affairs is entirely true*, and has been spoken to us by our Supreme Leaders, Russ and Nico. There will be no Facebook comments as there will be nothing to dispute or debate. This is fact*. As Russ said to us in a vaguely threatening email regarding journalistic integrity, “Doesn’t matter. Print it.”
*might not be true or fact
Here is their decree:
The Bad Seeds are on a team-name probation period after last year’s lackluster “Rotten Math”. If probation is broken, Glnzr gets to rename the team.
The entire team stood outside Yetter and Tarnow’s respective apartments in the off-season holding up a boombox, reminiscent of Say Anything (yes Walker, we know the movie), in a last-ditch effort to win them back. TBD on if it worked.
The team has decided to have a captainless season, in the spirit of socialism and groupthink.
After an off-season of having nobody poached, the Sky Fighters are looking to trade away their best talent for salary cap reasons.
New FA team, The Agents
Zog Sports kicked all of these people out of its kickball league and they’re trying their luck with ball hockey.
Courtney and Tash both beat Rich in a preseason arm wrestling contest, relegating Mega Touch to 1st Division in place of Fuzz—oh and new team jerseys will be deep v necks, per Alex EM’s suggestion.
Jenn has cut everyone from the team and replaced them with prominent Barstool podcasters; upon hearing the news Jeff has gone on to form Demons 2 while Neil & D Ro decided to become Phish groupies and are going on their 12th straight day of shows.
Before their first game the team will do a group TikTok dance led by Walker, gen z’s biggest fanboy.
Took acid at Great Wolf Lodge in November as a team-bonding experience. Nobody has seen anyone from the Butchers since.
Have all learned Thai this off-season and will only communicate on the court in Thai. They also got matching Captain Mikey tattoos.
The Hookers are bringing back a bit of 1980s hockey and will be playing all their games in Cooperalls this year. Seven people from the league know what Cooperalls are.
After failing to buy the majority share of the brand, Pit Viper, Karma has been working on creating a rival brand of sunglasses. They will not wear Pit Vipers at all this year.
The Vertz have been forced to redo their team logo about 6-9 times in the preseason because Custom Ink legally could not screen print it on a shirt.
Jack aka the Jackuum is the new goalie in lieu of Tim K’s departure.
What the Puck
Henry initially pledged to shave his head if WTP wins the PBR cup this year, Hogg suggested it would be more motivating if they shaved off a spot on his head after every victory leading up to The Big Shave during playoffs.
Frey has recruited two 18 year olds from the Russian ball hockey scene and in 2042 Cherie’s son will join the team per her Lbs contract.
Fresh Kills took Russ out to LPR in the off season and left him with their bar tab.
Under the new league leadership, Fuzz are forbidden from winning a 4th straight championship. If they do, an ancient curse that lays dormant around Tompkins will be unleashed and a volcano will erupt in the East Village. Lower East Side will be safe. Fuck it, let’s throw Murary Hill into the curse too.
The Biters don’t believe in Big DentalTM and view brushing your teeth as more of a ‘nice to have’ because plaque is actually better than tooth enamel.
Russ has already declared them the champion of the 2022 season after going undefeated without yet playing a game. Russ is also raising league dues to siphon the money for 18k gold snake necklaces for all of the dojo. Praise be.