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Week 1 Previews ’22

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

Hello sports fans!!! Welcome to week 1 previews with myself and Dingle. We’ve got an exciting roster of new media writers so expect fun, silly, and sometimes serious hockey previews. As always please direct any grievances about our totally made up media for a totally intramural hockey league to our totally non-existent complaints department.

Riots vs The Agents

Cristo: This is going to be interesting. Ramirez has left the now defunct Rehabs to play goalie for the Riots, giving them some much needed defensive power. Meanwhile, nobody has any idea how this all-new all-free agent team will be but if the FAs are anything like the competition we’ve seen in the past years, they’re bound to have some talent. New captain Josh says they’re “looking to take the league by storm in our first season.” I think this one will be a tight battle of team chemistry but ultimately go to The Agents winning 3-2.

Dingle: For me, priority number one is for The Agents to pick a team name. Unless “The Agents” is their name. Nobody tells us anything.

Possible new team mascot?

Mega Touch vs Gremlins

C: Jamie may be back for the Gremlins this season but I’m not sure if he alone will be enough to help them rebound from a 2-win season last year. Mega Touch is new to the 3rd Division but they’ve proven time and time again they can hang with the big(ger) dogs. Both teams have retained a lot of their players and are no stranger to scrappily playing against each other.

D: Welcome back Jamie! Nothing like being eased back into BTSH by going head-to-head against Mega’s stacked female squad of Shelly, Tash, Courtney, and Julie. Prediction, 4-1 Mega.

Butchers vs Poutine

D: The Pou Cru are on a mission this year. It’s Sully’s last season before heading out West and the captain formerly known as Tadpole has jumped ship to captain a different team. But even with Jack, Totis, and yours truly heading to the Vertz, this is still a dangerous Poutine team that finished 7th in the standings last year. 

C: I think it’s important to note Jack has not stayed on the same team for more than 1 season in his entire tenure of BTSH—but enough shitting on Jack and more about Poutine. I noticed they have a lady goalie this year, that’s sure to make for an interesting on-court line up with the ‘2 females on’ rule. According to one Butchers player, “About half of the team has had or is having a baby in the last 4 months.” [Congrats to Pete, Jake, Chadwick, Rachel & Art!] Not sure how this will bode for them. I think Poutine still takes the W, 3-0.

Demons vs Sky Fighters

C: Woof, talk about a grudge match, this is a hotly contested game with two teams of the same playing ability. In my opinion, the Sky Fighters could easily be in the 3rd Division but due to several unlucky breaks in the last few seasons have stayed stuck in the 4th. With some old faces returning, this just might be their year. Despite Neil, DRo, Zach, and Jeff all being pretty formidable scorers and Rubens/Gene being generally formidable, I’ll start off strong with Demons bias and say they will lose to the Sky Fighters 4-3 in a very physical (as physical as one can get in BTSH) match.

D: This will definitely be a high-scoring one with Fighters and Demons each packing a big offensive punch. Skyfighters, please keep Emily away from Gene’s dog, because we might never see her again if she gets too close. 

Some positive Demons bias: a dog (not Gene’s) willingly choosing to cuddle with Jeff 

Rainbows vs Bad Seeds

C: When the Rainbows faced off against the ‘old’ Bad Seeds last year (gut rot/math combo) it was a tight game but in my unbiased opinion with Mike S, the newly minted Rainbow’s goalie, and last year’s entire team returning it just might be an easier game for the bows.

D: Unbiased my ass. Prediction: Rainbows will be too busy admiring their 15th and 16th different alternate jerseys and the revamped Bad Seeds (love the name and logo btw) will squeak out a win, 2-1. 

C: You have no leg to stand on when it comes to jerseys just wait until the league sees the Vertz ‘logo’. Also, Cat B would like a word with you about her blood sweat and tears that went into designing our jerseys on Custom Ink. 

Potential 17th alternate jersey option 

Filthier vs Fresh Kills

C: Okay this might actually be a bloodbath considering Tim K was the only thing Filthier had going for them last season and I’m sure the Fresh Kills Five + Meg + Colby field hockey team + Gabe is hungry for goals after not playing any ball hockey since last October.

D: I’ll be honest, with James, Ann, and Tim K gone, I don’t know too many Filthier players. But I know Fresh Kills and I know they can score a bunch. This might indeed be a bloodbath. Fresh Kills win 6-0. 

Cobra Kai vs Lbs

C: lol all of the CK dudes are away for Russ’ bachelor party this weekend. What kind of a commissioner abandons his league the first game of the season?! Thank god for Nico. With the Lbs just suffering the loss of Scott I think they will be okay with Sam, Frey, Kelsey, Hilary, Avery, Cherie, Jason and whatever other ringer Frey managed to sneak into this league undetected. CK has added another team traitor (Charlotte from Poutine) providing some defensive firepower with LJ but Sienna and JJ can’t carry the whole dang offense. Frey loves saying how much I hate to root for the Lbs so you’re welcome in advance, this one will go to them, 5-1.

D: Not a great start for The Dojo with half (or more?) of their guys gone. If any players would like to stage a coup against Russ’ leadership, you can sign up here.

I found out Campbell is actually playing this weekend but snarky text from him aside, my prediction still stands. 

Hookers vs Karma

C: The Hookers have a good mix of older staple players (Danillo is both old and a staple) and younger incoming talent. As new captain Cheeky said, “I think we will be very evenly matched and it will come down to stamina, shots on goal, and the psychos between the pipes”. Speaking of psychos between the pipes, I look forward to Steven’s email after the game about how everyone on Karma deserves a star.

D: We had a Vertz/Karma scrimm a couple of weeks ago, and without pumping their tires too much, Karma are dangerous. A lot of offensive threats + Cat, Isaac, and Kev Boat’s shut-down D + Flowzilla Steve in net = a lot of crooked scores this season. Karma wins 6-3.

What the Puck vs Vertz

C: The Vertz have their work cut out for them in their debut game. WTP has suffered the loss of Ed in goal and Annie has gone rogue as a free agent sub coming off her surgery but Henry, Tarnow, McCauley, Hogg and John C are a formidable matchup for Hicks, Jack, Russo, Andrea, Jaimie and Sarah. This one might just come down to goalkeeping and with Tim K in net for the Vertz I begrudgingly predict the Vertz winning 4-2. 

D: The true indicator for how the Vertz will play this season will come down to a) how hungover the collective team is from Saturday shenanigans and b) how many beers will be drank before a later 5pm or 6pm start time. Expect the Vertz to come in hot and for Saucey to try to hit on you*. 

*Assuming Saucey ever comes back from Massachussettes. 

Fuzz vs Biters

C: booooo fuzz. Shouldn’t you guys be playing in some high-intensity tournament in Feasterville instead of casual beer league hockey? Biters have much of the same squad they’ve had for the last 15 years. You know it’s a problem when Probie is the ‘youngest’ guy on the team (the manbun isn’t fooling anyone!!!) but somehow they prevail thanks to unmatched team chemistry and Sarah M, Shannon, Lexie, and Alex for being in shape to make up for all the old dudes.

D: Big Fuzz fan, here. In the entire time I’ve been in the league, they’ve been the only team to have won the championship. Three straight championships is amazing. Four straight is a dynasty. But let’s be honest, Glnzr is getting old*, and they need him to score. 

*he’s already old

You heard it from Rich first, nothing will fix Fuzz’s image!!!! 

Bonus #content: Free Agent Scrimmage Love

And lastly, Russ wanted to give some big thank you’s and shout outs to Walker, Isaac, and McCauley. Here is your commissioner’s attempt at a write up: after pulling an all-nighter saving babies and puppies from a burning building, Walker and Isaac took the day off their busy dating schedules with New York’s top models to run another successful free agents Scrimmage. Isaac, who can only be described as totally jacked, got the day going despite the challenge of having the lockboxes being raided of necessary equipment, (while unproven this act of vandalism was most likely done by members of team Fuzz). Walker, who was a minus 15 on the day, ultimately finished the day strong by closing the courts with an assist from McCauley (a member of the 2021 all hands team of BTSH).”

Russ also wanted to shout out DGR for playing in goal all day, Akhil for scoring a sick goal, and Glnzr for not being at the scrimmage and “putting everyone in a much better mood for it”. 

SEE YOU SUNDAY!

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