Week 10 (?) Previews
By Dingle McCringle
Alright y’all, we’re in the final stretch. What was scheduled to be the season finale is now the penultimate week of BTSH with rain (boo) messing up our schedule pre-Hockey Beach.
Speaking of which, hope everyone survived the OC shenanigans. We haven’t gotten a total headcount, but I assume 86% of everyone made it back in one piece.
On to the previews!! With obligatory non-hockey related preview content after the write-ups.
Skyfighters v. Fresh Kills
Don’t sleep on the Skyfighters. Currently battling with Mega Touch for the top spot in the fourth division, SF find themselves in 6th place overall in the standings—which is fantastic. The bad news is they’re running into a buzzsaw that is Le Colby Kills. Currently in 4th place, the 2nd Division Fresh Kills have faced the tougher competition so far this season, and it hasn’t fazed them.
Prediction: Fresh Kills, 5-1
Mega Touch v. Dark Rainbows
Speaking of Mega Touch…this is a bit of a toss-up of a game. Mega Touch are towards the top of the standings at the moment, but the Rainbows are a long(ish) way from popping champagne bottles after each game because they had ~fun~. If Rainbows’ stay clear of Sunday hangovers, they might be able to give Mega Touch a run for their money. Or the Mega Touchers stay hot. Only one way to find out!
Prediction: Mega Touch, 3-2
Rotten Math v. Riots
Another toss-up, but for not the reasons we’d like. The combined team of Gut Rot and Math hasn’t fully clicked so far this season, and there’s rumblings amongst the Hockey Gods that it’s because they haven’t picked a better team name yet. Riots will be looking for their first win of the season, while I’m sure Rotten Math would like to end their regular season with a win.
Prediction: Riots, 4-2
Corlears Hookers v. What the Puck
A battle of Division Two teams who would both probably prefer to be a bit higher in the standings this season. Or is it strategic so they can get a more favorable matchup in the playoffs??? (Probably not). Hookers are a sound, defensively-strong team that can quickly strike on a counter-attack, but WTP is solid all the way through the lineup, and will exhaust teams with their speed and skill.
Prediction: WTP, 5-3
Rehabs v. Instant Karma
Karma came out HOT this year, and have stayed hot. With their only loss a surprising one to the aforementioned Mega Touch, when Karma has their full team, they’re rolling. On the flip side, Rehabs have dealt with their own attendance issues, with a bunch of players moving out of the boroughs for an assortment of reasons. Do Rehabs have enough in the tank to slow the offensive juggernauts upfront, and break through the Wall O’ Steve? F*ck if I know.
Prediction: Karma, 3-2 (OT)
Lbs v. Poutine Machine
Almost an identical situation as the Habs/Karma game. Poutine’s only loss this year came against Karma, and they face a team in a higher division, who is below them in the standings. Frey and Sully may get instant notifications when a new player enters the FA pool, but Frey’s needed more subs this season than the Wawa on Coastal Highway, MD. We’ll see which degenerates miss the game for Week 1 football watching, but expect a close one—because it’s the only style Poutine plays.
Prediction: Poutine, 2-1
Butchers v. Fuzz
Fuzz is the only undefeated team remaining, but this has all the makings of an upset game. Fuzz haven’t lost, Butchers are towards the bottom of the standings. Fuzz haven’t played in a month because of bye weeks and holiday weekends, Butchers might be able to sneak a quick goal early and shut it down from there. Likely that the Butchers pull of a win? Not really. Possible? Sure.
Prediction: Fuzz, 5-2
Denim Demons v. Gremlins
This game has pretty big implications on who might be relegated to Division 4 next year. With a win, the Gremlins tie the Demons in the standings AND hold the tie-breaker in the division battles, 2-0. Trying to avoid the D3/D4 purgatory between 2019-2022, the Demons will be hoping a new year (L’Shana Tovah) will bring better tidings in this one.
Prediction: Gremlins, 2-1
TIME TO GET WEIRD!!!!
I’ve given each team a random animal for no reason at all, and have pitted those animals against each other and chosen a winner with an extremely over-simplified reason why. See you in the comment sections.
Skyfighters (Mole) v. Fresh Kills (Gazelle)
Mole frustrates Gazelle by staying underground, Gazelle runs away crying. Mole wins.
Mega Touch (Ram) v. Dark Rainbows (Seal)
Ram runs on water, knocks Seal from Atlantic to Pacific Ocean. Ram wins.
Rotten Math (Skunk) v. Riots (Koala)
Skunk sprays Koala with stank. Koala doesn’t care, rubs eucalyptus on itself and performs deadly aerial attack from its tree. Koala wins.
Corlears Hookers (Cow) v. What the Puck (Gorilla)
Gorilla says, “How now brown cow?”, hops on Cow’s back and they ride into the sunset together. Everyone wins.
Rehabs (Capybara) v. Instant Karma (Snake)
I don’t think you realize how big a Capybara is. They can weigh up to 175 lbs. Gtf outta here snake. Capybara river dances on Snake. Capybara wins.
Lbs (Llama) v. Poutine Machine (Camel)
A lot of kicking and spitting, but Llama proves to be too agile for lumbering Camel. Llama wins.
Butchers (Horse) v. Fuzz (Otter)
Horse is no match for Otter’s hydro-defense and shell-opening abilities. Otter wins.
Denim Demons (Porpoise) v. Gremlins (Crocodile)
Crocodile gets some good licks in, but Porpoise brings Croc too deep underwater, and Croc forgot its swimmies. Porpoise wins.
BYE WEEK THROWDOWN: Cobra Kai (Wolf) v. Anklebiters (Rhino) v. Filthier (Crab)
Crab watches quietly on the side while Wolf and Rhino duke it out. Both exhaust each other past the point of no return, Crab wins.