Butchers v Poutine

Dingle: And so the era of a Sully-less Poutine begins. After one of our brilliant media writers nearly predicted the exact outcome of last week’s game, where do we go from here? Butchers are the last team still looking for Win #1 on the year, and Poutine top the BTSH standings with 12 points and an impressive 6-1 record. Trap game for Poutine? Possibly, but expect Poutine to roll in a lopsided win. 

Cat: Not to put too fine a point on it, this is the top ranked team vs the lowest ranked team. The winningest team vs. the losingest team. Don’t think this is the week that Butchers breaks their streak, sadly. 

23andMia: I’ve had a day so will amuse myself by suggesting DIY gifts “losing” teams can give Jess for her birthday: The Butchers pony up Brady, who pin pricks a tattoo on Jess old school style. Brady is annoyed by his team’s loss, so his touch is a little rough. Jess does not flinch.

Riots v Rainbows

Hicks: riots need a win in this one to avoid falling too far behind the Skyfighters in D4. Meanwhile the Rainbows need to stack a few wins together down the stretch to avoid the play in round. Given the Riots’ impressive turnaround this year, I’m betting on them to win this one and ruin Jess’s birthday. 

CATT: Can everyone win? I feel like everyone should win. Both teams are full of nice people who are good at hockey but keep it very civil. I have no doubt that the Riots could win, but now you’ve mentioned Jess’s birthday I imagine they forfeit the game to the ‘bows as a gift and have a friendly mixed team scrim instead. 

Hookers v Karma 

Hicks: don’t look now, but Karma has lost 2 of 3 and suddenly D2 looks wide open. This is a week one rematch and while it’s very tough to beat a team twice, my gut tells me that Karma is taking this one. 3-1. 

23andMia: Agreed on the above so The Hookers offer up a crafty dress made of Cro’s* many, many empties. 

Editor’s note: the media has confirmed, Cro is still on the Hookers despite barely showing up for games and talking ridiculous amounts of shit on facebook for a guy who hasn’t scored a goal all season.

Jess: I think the Hookers’ ladies edge out Karma’s ladies while the dudes are a pretty evenly matched with team chemistry and skill. Hookers have had some tough luck lately but if they have the right personnel I think they can capitalize on Karma’s recent losses (plus no AK or Derek) and pull off the win 2-1.

Cobra Kai v Lbs

Jess: Last time these two teams faced off everyone was at Russ’ stupid bachelor party. This should be a more exciting game now that The Dojo is at full strength. I am also looking forward to the Hilary v Charlotte matchup. Childhood friends, now enemies!!!

Cat: So far LBS has only lost to Fuzz (god that’s embarrassing) and the only team to come close on the scoreboard was CK. Cobra Kai will be geared up for a redemption match, this one should be hard fought and just an itsy bitsy chippy. I think the dojo will be fired up enough to come out on top.

23andMia: CK offers a Commish as redemption for their by-a-hair loss. Russ does a tight 15 to make Jess laugh. When the birthday lady is not amused at jokes that don’t land, she sprays Russ in the face with a water gun like a bad cat.

Demons v Mega Touch

Hicks: don’t look now, but Mega is making a run for the D3 crown in their first year in the divison. The demons have the talent to keep pace, but they aren’t jersey thieves (I got you Jess) and in this game it’s that complete disregard for the law that’ll get mega the win (did I just make the demons look rulebook friendly?). 

Glnzr: Hicks, you don’t have to start every preview with don’t look now. As for this game…Demons have the better offense and Mega has the better D. Though…Mega has some unknowns that are very good so maybe they have the better O as well? I’ll go with Mega 3-2. 

Cat: Not sure Rich is entitled to doling out editorial advice, generally speaking. AS FOR THIS GAME, yeah honestly Mega 3-2 seems fair if not maybe being a little generous to the Demons. Also I should hope Mega puts away their pink jerseys against a red team, and I should FURTHER hope it’s for good because wtf steppin on Rainbows fashion turf.

WTP v Vertz

Glnzr: Vertz is looking for revenge after WTP sent them into a season-long tailspin (I’m assuming as I’m writing this preview after Week 1). My money is on WTP to win the rematch.  

Jess: Obligatory ‘don’t look now’ for Hicks – That new guy Phil on WTP should give the Vertz a run for their money but OTHER NEW GUY Simon on the Vertz is pretty freakin’ good at defense. He has a literal Poutine tattoo so personally, I think he’s on the wrong team, but who knows what #poachingszn will bring. WTP wins it in OT. 

Cat: ‘New Guy Simon’ just had a big bonding weekend in Buffalo with staple WTP-ers Hogg, Butler, and Tarnow so idk will he be able to bring the fire against his new BFFs??

Fresh Kills v Anklebiters
Jess: Let the record show that the media made a “mistake” when we said Louis was the “worst”* Fresh Boy and it’s actually George. (Sorry George but I’m trying to cop that wedding invite). But also since last week’s power rankings was spent stroking both these team’s egos it should be a fun game to watch. I always love rooting for the underdog (even though it’s hard to call the Biters underdogs) but I hope they win it 2-1.

*Editor’s note: if by the worst we mean still in the top 15% of players in the league, then sure, they’re all the worst.

Glnzr: I was torn to shreds for complimenting the Biters in the Rankings. But they beat FK with no Probie, took 3 out of 4 points from Fuzz but did get destroyed by the Lbs. I think Cinderella wants her slipper back. I’m disgusted I know that reference. Pause. FK 5, Biters 2.

23andMia: This should be a super fun game to watch… the Biters unfortunately lose. Worky is pulled away from Jersey to sing for Jess. She cries a little at the beauty of it all, then sends Worky back across the river to further plan OC.

Fuzz v Filthier

Dingle: Grab some popcorn and head to the West court at 4:15, because we’ve got a good one—and not just for heckling Fuzz. Two well-rounded teams duking it out in what very well could be a playoff matchup. 

Fuzz have won the last three championships, blah, blah, blah, but Filthier have held their own just fine so far this season without long-time stalwarts James and Anne. In a finger to the wind prediction, I have this one going to a shootout, and Filthier pulling off the upset, 3-2. Can’t wait to get a text from Glnzr about this one. 

Jess: I think you mean a 2am email.

Glnzr: I find it so funny that James and Anne are always the only people mentioned in a Filthier preview. Fuzz 4-0. 

23andMia: Danielle, Kate, Nikki, Ellie, Sunny, Alex and JJ use their industriousness to whip up a birthday cake for Jess using only protein bars they pillage from players waiting for the All Star game. Jess proclaims the mush “delish” and Filthier comes out winners despite their loss.

Agents v Gremlins

Glnzr: So in year 1 of existence the Agents get a prime spot before the ASG and Ace party? Meanwhile a team like the Rainbows who have been here forever has the first game and only the biggest of losers will hang around all day. For shame Media…for shame. Also 4-3 Gremmies.

Jess: I’m not doing this preview I’m just saying it’s my birthday Sunday and I will be hanging out all day with my friends/teammates and you just ruined my birthday by calling me a loser so thanks. 

Glanzr: IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS SUNDAY, YOU LIAR!!!*

*Editor’s note: if you drink until midnight, it is technically

Sky Fighters v Bad Seeds

Hicks: the sky fighters should win this game, but if it goes to a shootout all bets are off. Skyfighters 5, Seeds 2.

Dingle: I put together a little treat for those of you who have gotten this far. An original Haiku: 

“I enjoy hockey. 

All Star Game is right after,

let’s drink some cheap beer.” -Dingle McCringle

Cat: That’s beautiful, Dingle.