This week we told the writers f*ck it, NO CONTEXT hockey previews – write whatever pops into your mind about these teams. Some people rambled, some people wrote haikus, some people totally misunderstood the assignment – what will those crazy media kids say next?

What the Puck v Lbs

Where the hell is Phil? They could use Tarnow but he’s probably stuck in Croatia. Avery only owns two hats: outdoor voices and Alo yoga — v pretentious brands for an unpretentious hockey player. 

Lbs win it 5-0.

Rainbows v Poutine

Jess has a black eye.

Even though I saw it happen, I know Poutine did it to her.

Poutine 4-1.

Biters v Lbs

Amy is a fantastic arm wrestler.

Caitlin is not but she loves cats way more than Amy.

Lbs. 5-2

Alex’s last name sounds like the number 3.

There are 3 letters in his team name.

Illuminati confirmed, Lbs win this game.

Riots v Butchers

Riots have two guys named Ian, which I find interesting because I don’t think I know one Ian.

All BTSH-related measurements should be measured in a new unit called, “Chadwicks”. 

Riots 4-2

Hookers v Filthier

I saw Pigozzi play with freshly tatted ink last Sunday #metal

Ellie doesn’t have any tattoos (but an unreliable rumor I just started says she’s going to get the PBR cup put on her face if Filthier wins it all).

Hookers in OT 3-2.

What the Puck v Fresh Kills

Orange is a strangely popular hockey color, and because of other NYC hockey leagues—that will not be mentioned*—seeing Henry wear any color besides orange is weird.

We see more of Ariel with his primary home in Florida than we did with his main home in New York. 

FK 5-3

*Editor’s note: If you’re a woman, please consider signing up for d5 hockey on tuesdays we need less smelly dudes and more girl power

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Every single time I ask Walsh who’s ahead in one of his Fuzz games (and it’s usually Fuzz), he says, “The good guys.” This was kinda funny the first time. Like four years ago or whenever that team started.

Cobra Kai Season 5 on Netflix is also not so funny anymore.

This game goes to a shootout and Brita wins it for The Dojo.

Bad Seeds v Sky Fighters

Was so great seeing so many of the long time BTSH’rs playing for the Bad Seeds last week: Liza, Tommy, Scotty, Zach and Diane…

The Sky Fighters kid line is back from Israel and I think they both just turned 21. One of their fathers played in the league when the aforementioned Seeds showed up more regularly!

Sky Fighters for the W

Gremlins v Poutine 

Allison is a sick drummer – she played in Awesome Color (check them out) – coolest Gremlin by far. A member of Poutine said to me and I quote, “See Jess, we’re a different team now, we respect refs!!!” 

Poutine takes it 6-1.

Rainbows v Agents

Dana Rainbow bought a shot at Doc Holliday’s so I could go to the bathroom in a civilized manner.* Such a selfless act. Others should also do this for me (23andMia)

The Agents’ diverse makeup is fantastic. They have a fellow named Leaf, which is also fantastic.

The Rainbows are more fantastic and take it 5-1

*Editor’s sarcastic note: I’m sure it was really, really hard for Dana to have to take a shot at Doc’s

Demons v Mega Touch

I keep seeing Adam running through our neighborhood. I always yell out but he never hears me. What is he listening to? And does he step on those moths* we’re supposed to kill because they’re eating all our crops?

Alex is a fantastic illustrator and very creative, but not creative enough to talk his team out of choosing shirts that are Rainbow pink.

Mega 3-2

*Editor’s note: Lantern Fly, red and gray speckled, if you see one kill it!!!!

Karma vs. Vertz

JW: Is Karma vs. Vertz the new Karma vs. Poutine rivalry? Does BTSH even have any rivalries left? Also, does Derek Z. even play anymore? Are the Vertz hot or cold right now? Will Nicole ever come back to visit us? Will Hicks have Taco Bell right before this game? I have no idea on any of these, the only thing I do know is that one of these teams definitely needs to be on a color change for this game. 

Prediction: Karma takes this one, 3-2 in regulation. 

Dingle: JW didn’t read the media’s email about no-hockey context previews