by cat, glnzr, hicks, alex, steven, russo, jess, hornswoggle, cage

Alrightyyy we’ve got a new way of doing previews this year where a handful of media members give their thoughts. Everyone was incredibly eager this week so what you see below is a clusterf*ck of media opinions; in the coming weeks it should be a bit more tame with the inevitable mid-season media fatigue (but no promises).

Poutine v Fuzz

Cat: i missed week 1 to have a dionysian wine-soaked trip in italy so i have literally no idea who is even on poutine anymore but BOO FUZZ.

Glnzr: I was about to say happy bday to you but now forget it. Beef back on.

Hicks: Why is RichiePoo’s Ref School after this game?

Alex: Because there’s a good chance that after this game, no one will ever want to ref again. 

Steven: If you leave poutine out too long, the cheese curdles and the fries get droopy and soggy.  I think you can use the same words to describe the old men that play for Fuzz. Fuzz wins in a droopy and soggy game that breaks the league record for stick infractions. 

Vertz v Rainbows

Russo: It’s the MEDIA BOWL (sponsor pending). Co-editor v co-editor. How will we ever write a non-biased write-up for this? 

Jess: If you thought I wasn’t going to comment on my own preview you thought wrong. While I would love to say it’s upset szn, the Rainbows have sustained a few injuries and absences right off the bat. With Mike S in goal and Dan finally back it should be a closer match. 

Hicks: it’s almost like Jess requested this matchup in a captains meeting.* Vertz in 5.

Glnzr: We all were furious and livid when the Vertz stole our players**. But after their Week 1 performance, it appears all the players they stole sucked, and we should thank the Vertz. Thank you, Vertz! Rainbows 4-3. 

Hornswoggle: Still waiting on Jack to “delete” those emails so he can come back to Poutine. Ah wait, fuck it, he doesn’t play defense anyway***, keep him. Camp counselor Cat to score OTW.

*editor’s note: the Rainbows captains were insistent they would not be afraid of the Vertz in the captains meeting and this is what we get tbh 

**editor’s note: Andrea left fuzz on her own volition 

***editor’s note: jack has terrible cardio form

Bad Seeds v Karma

Cat: i’m a big fan of a successful rebrand, as Bad Seed seems to be pulling up with a new name/new look/and an easy victory at launch. However, media loyalty to ex-EIC Isaac compels me to root for Karma. I think Karma is also objectively still the more talented team at the moment and i suppose tEcHnIcAlLy previews are supposed to be about game outcome so like sure 3-1 win for Karma. fin.

Hicks: Karma should win this, but Steve Friedman is a Thomas Greiss fan which really makes me question his judgment in goalie quality. 

Cage: Speaking as a different goalie that Steve is a fan of, I also question his judgment. However, that  does not change the fact that Steve could win this without us in front of him. He’s that good. 3-0 Karma.

Demons v Lbs

Hicks: thinking about this game makes my ankles hurt.

Jess: Last week the Lbs barely had anyone and yet the terrifying combo of Avery x Sam was enough to get it done. With a fuller squad I’d anticipate an easier Lbs win. But they should all pray 4 their ankles re: jeff.

Alex: There were other LBS players there too 🙁 But yes as long as Avery and Sam survive LBS Dinner which happens to be the night before this game, I feel good about it.  Speaking of which, can’t ever miss an opportunity to insert this piece of gold from our last team dinner.

Content warning: puke

Mega Touch v Anklebiters

Glnzr: If this goes to a shootout, my money is on Mega! But if it doesn’t 4-2 Anklebiters. 

Cage: Having last frolicked on the courts with you all during the 2019 season, I can say with a lot of confidence that I am probably not equipped to pass judgment on any games that I’m not directly involved in. Fortunately for the Media, not knowing enough about something has never stopped me from having a take. So like any lawyer, I did a smack of googling and will base my preview off of an Arrested Development themed pre-covid BTSH preview (https://btsh.org/media/week-i-think-isaac-said-15-previews).

In one corner you have the biters as “Maggie Lizer”, “because…they aren’t exactly what they seem. Sure, they are the fun, old school BTSH bunch that we have always loved, but underneath they are a venerable POWERHOUSE team, at this point.” 

Unfortunately for Mega, in the other corner we have…”Ann.” (Mega, sorry to @you like this…blame the author of that preview: Bitcoin Rush). Incredibly, the author of that preview remembered Bland’s last name and included it. I switched tabs and forgot it so here we are. I have nothing of substance to say about Egg…neither did Bitcoin Rush (I’m guessing… once again, I completely forgot what he/she wrote when I switched tabs).

Since it’s me, and I love Julia Louis Dreyfus, I have to go 4-2 biters. That is, of course, assuming that they remember they have a game against “…her?” 

Steven: Cage, I love you but have no clue what you are talking about. VIVA SARAH MOORE scores the game winner. Biters 5 Mega 3.  

Hornswoggle: Sarah will be fuming when the Blues concede the FA Cup Final to the Reds. So much so that she’ll probably notch a Gordie Howe hat trick—with the “fighting” simply as banter against the other team. Schuie’s team gets the dub.

Riots v Hookers

Jess: Coming off a 9-0 victory to The Agents it will be interesting to see what the Riots do when faced with a real challenge. I still think the Hooker take this one 5-1 but this may be a new and improved Riots team to shake up the lower divisions. 

Alex: The Riots are going to be one of the top D4 teams strictly on the basis of adding Ramirez, a top 3 goalie in the league.  But the Hookers are just a much better team at every other key position.  I don’t know if they’re scoring five on Eric but they likely won’t give up more than 1 and should cruise to victory here.

Steven: I am not very good at math, but I do know this. (Amy Jones + Ramirez)/Hookers with Injured Cheeky = A Riot on Our Hands. Riots 5 Hookers 4 in a close one. 

Agents v WTP

Russo: Do we know anybody on The Agents yet? More like Secret Agents, amiright?? *buh dum tss* 

With an unknown Captain, an unknown superstar, and an unknown all-around team, they’re looking more and more like the Seattle Kraken. The most important factor in determining what the Media thinks of the new guys (and gals) is can they hang? If you’re on The Agents, identify yourself and what type of beer you like—see you courtside!

Cat: yeah i wouldn’t count on a redemption week for the agents, especially after WTP put the Vertz in their place on opening day, but who knows??? And russo’s right it’s time to haze i mean welcome the fresh meat with courtside beers because ~that’s what it’s all about~

Glnzr: Jesus Cat, why don’t you give them a star? Newbies buy the beers not us. 

Hornswoggle: “Agents”? More like age ain’t an issue. Seems their “de facto” captain is a noticeably older gentleman who, in Week 1, wasn’t afraid to delegate responsibilities and dig in the trenches despite the shellacking. They’ll likely get another L, but not without developing a bit more chemistry than they did in the last game.

Cat: glanzer, if friedman emails me to give the agents a star, i will give them a star.

Filthier v Skyfighers 

Glnzr: Hope Filthier forgets they can’t wear their blues and it’s mass confusion. Either way, 5-2 win by Sky assuming Wes shows. 

Jess: We neglected to report on a very important off szn move by Rockoff, his friend, and Cody (who I am now going to refer to as the Salt Boyzz 2.0) to Filthy. I’m going to disrespectfully disagree with Rich and say Filthier takes it by 1 goal.

Hicks: I’ll break the tie by siding with Glnzr. Skyfighters take this one in OT.

Alex: If this league had an official sportsbook this would be an amazing game to bet on: Filthier would be favored due to public perception, name recognition and the offseason pickups of the “Salt Boyzz 2.0” and I would absolutely hammer a scrappy and motivated Skyfighters team to pull the upset.  Now that Glanzer and Hicks rudely picked Sky before I even had the chance to open this god forsaken Google Doc, I’m not sure if I can really call it an upset, but I’m sticking with this team of young D5 vets to finish top 10 in the standings for the 2nd straight year.

Steven: Emily and the Skyfighters come out swinging and knock Filthier around like a llama shaped pinata filled with nips of tequila. Skyfighters 5, Filthier 0. 

Fresh Kills v Butchers

Glnzr: Overused Simpsons Meme

Steven: This sounds like a violent match up. A team with ‘kills’ in their name versus a team named after killers. To the dismay of all the fun people in the league, Fresh Kills draws first blood and the Butchers can’t stop the bleeding. FK 7, Butchers 1

Cat: really bad slasher film crossover energy tbh

Cobra Kai v Gremlins

Cat: the new girl on CK is a phenom, neutralizing Campbell’s notoriously bad vibes. Is jamie back?!?!?! Regardless, gremlins need to shake off last season still. I don’t see a win for yellow.

Glnzr: Screw Sig. 2-0 CK. (I had 3-0 but he just sent me a mean text so I deducted a goal from CK.)

Steven: Rumor has it that the Gremlins may have lost their way last season. How do they get back on track? Would suggest the following three step program:

1- Allison must log more minutes than Walker

2- Sign big dude free agents that are bald and wear fitted baseball hats while playing

3- Pay the scheduler to cancel the game against Cobra Kai

Dojo wins 5-0

Hornswoggle: I’m disappointed that Charlotte left me, now I’m the only Jersey kid left on my team. I hope Erich is back so CK gets beat.

We hope you enjoyed this circus! See you Sunday.