Week 4 Previews
By Various Media Members
Here we go again! Another action-packed Sunday of hockey shenanigans. Will there be The Return of the Funnel? Will anybody propose? Will anyone come to the courts looking swole? Hell if we know. But we’ve got some fun matchup notes for ya…
Karma v Filthier
Jess: Hoo boy don’t we all love a grudge match and Karma has been waiting for this one ever since last year’s playoffs vs. Filthy when they were denied a female sub despite only having 1 female player. Luckily the rain had mercy on Karma and the following weekend’s rain make up game Karma had no mercy on Filthy. Now that your BTSH history lesson is over, this impartial writer is here to give the straight facts. Those being that Filthy is still to be reckoned with due to their off-season recruiting and without Derek as Karma’s offensive anchor (no offense, AK) Karma will have to fight hard. I think this goes to OT 2-2 but Filthier ultimately takes it.
Glnzr: Filthier had a great win last week. I’m more interested in Scotty training their refs at 2:15 p.m. I’m sure they’ll do great. As for the game, Filthier should have let Karma use some women last year. Karma will be motivated and win 4-1.
Anklebiters v WTP
Hornswoggle: The red side of Manchester isn’t just rejoicing for their new Dutch manager, but also (unknowingly) rooting for Puck’s own captain to put the Orange Crush on its intra-divisional rivals. Don’t believe me? (Well, the original tweet was deleted but someone posted this on YouTube.)
Hogg probably won’t get 10 but he’ll help the Pucks get two points.
Dingle: ^ I understood the Manchester United part of Jerome’s bit but then I got lost.
Lil cat: My roommate* tells me confidently that WTP is going to win and alsoooo their new recruit (Adam) is the current leading scorer. If they can get the attendance, I would agree with this assessment.
*editor’s note: if that’s what the kids are calling it these days
Steven: I had a little league coach who said “the hardest part is showing up.” Which is kinda true. Attendance is a crazy concept in BTSH. I mean has anyone seen Probert in the last 2 years? However, this games doesn’t come down to Probert or who shows up on WTP, rather it all depends on whether Craig and SARAH MOORE* show up for Biters. If they are present, Biters win 4-2.
*Viva SARAH MOORE
Vertz v Hookers
CATT: I’m just going to brainstorm bowl names for this. The Lineup Bowl. The Perp Bowl. Misdemeanor Bowl. No matter what you call it, there will likely be a few assistant district attorneys in attendance. The real question is whether there will be enough Vertz in attendance. Outside of street hockey, one is more than enough (read: too many) for any occasion. However, to take down the Hookers this Sunday the Vertz will need to bring their moral turpitude in full force. Prediction: With anything less than ten true Vertz in attendance, the Hookers play the field and take their two points off the dresser: 4-2. Ten or more Vertz? The Hookers do not get paid.
Jess: Misdemeanor Bowl has a nice ring to it. I also agree that without certain players the Vertz are less of a threat. Still, I can’t believe the Hookers almost lost to the Riots and with Tim K being another top goalie in the league, regardless of lineup attendance I still see the Vertz taking this one 3-1.
Stoop Dogg: This is more than just a battle of sexually charged names, it’s the battle between families. We have the Herr-Hicks’ on the Verts which is a French word meaning, “green, uncouth, and immature,” which feels on brand for the newly created team. Then we have just Herr on the Hookers which is just slang word for “prostitute,” which – well let’s dress Lee up in his tutu again and have him stand on a street corner and see what happens. Either way, these are both highly skilled teams that have—in the Verts case— just been made, or for the Hookers—have taken on a number of new players and are still trying to get in their groove. This sibling match-up will prove interesting to watch, assuming both teams can actually field their teams, – I say Hookers 2-1 in OT.
Russo: As someone playing in this game, if Lee wears a tutu, it will definitely be a distractor. Early entry for the “Hot Legs” competition.
Mega Touch v Poutine
Glnzr: There are a couple of “See where you’re at” games this week and this is one of them. Mega is clearly on the rise while Poutine lost a lot of their best players. It will be interesting to see if Mega has jumped Poutine, and if Poutine is still a threat. I think Poutine has the talent to still beat some pretty good teams but Mega prevails here, 4-2.
Stoop Dogg: Mega Touch should not be underestimated, they are a solid team who have some sneaky young and very skilled players. Poutine has also lost a number of great players including Russolini the Atomic Tortellini and “Tadpole” Jack. I think if Mega brings it early, they will take home the win 3-1.
Dingle: I’m pretty sure the score of this matchup last year was 3-1 (with an empty netter) for Mega. Don’t sleep on the new Pou Crew. Still a lot of firepower up front and Jeff Verde (that’s his Portuguese alias) in net. In all seriousness, the fact that Jeff hasn’t had a Vice show made about his pandemic activities is wild.
Sky Fighters v Agents
Jess: I’ll say what everyone is thinking but in meme format because I’m bad at expressing my emotions*
*according to my therapist
In all seriousness we want The Agents to succeed! It’s shit luck that the Sky Fighters are in the 4th division this year. They just need a lucky break in their schedule. I am confident no team will ever repeat the Rainbow’s 1 year+ loss streak back in 2018. However, this one goes to the Sky____Fighters 5-0.
Lil cat: Hopefully Emily shows some mercy.
Glnzr: In 2008 and 2015 the Elves went through some really horrible stretches. In 2010 we won the championship, so there’s hope! But after 2015 we disbanded so there’s also no hope.
Dingle: @Glnzr, that literally translated to “sometimes teams are good and sometimes teams are bad.” Very insightful.
Steven: Agents shouldn’t be discouraged by what happens this week. Sky Fighters are an unstoppable force. They are playing so well that Jake was even able to get a girlfriend. Emily continues on path to glory with 8-0 win.
Fuzz v Lbs
JW: Is Amanda the nicest person on Fuzz? Well, it’s either her or Ryann. Or both. In any case, these two teams have a long history. Well, not long to the veterans among us, but they have some history. Lbs. have been eager to foil Fuzz ever since Fuzz won their *1.5th championship against them in a shootout. In the dark. Nonetheless, a lot of questions remain: How many semi-pro hockey players will Alex recruit for this game? Will Walsh be back from France in time for this game? Who is Fuzz’ goalie this year? Will Boylan full on tackle Glanzer during gameplay?
Prediction: Alex will recruit 2 semi-pro hockey players for this game.
Glnzr: Clearly Walker isn’t up to date on Ryann and D5. Also Ryan Hughes is by far nicer than everyone that ever played in this league with the obvious exception of Corey Winters. 3-2 Fuzz.
Jess: This will be the first real test the Lbs will face all season and quite possibly the only team to have an emotional strong hold over them (re: playoffs losses). Fuzz has the same full-team passing chemistry as Avery-Sam or Alex-Kelsey. I foresee another OT heartbreaker but will neglect to say for which team.
Dingle: Walker doesn’t want people to know it’s his birthday on Sunday.
Demons v Gremlins
Lil cat: Two teams very hungry for their first win, also while we’re still making up bowl names, what about the Monster Bowl? Am I reaching? Is this not as fun because it’s not as sexual as Hookers and Vertz? Who’s to say.
Glnzr: You kids don’t know what the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup was. BTSH is really lacking some new history. Maybe these new bowls that Cat is creating will be just what this league needs. But Monster Bowl (overused phrase warning) isn’t it. 3-2 Gremmies.
Dingle: We’ve come a long way from “Which Mythological Creature is Your Team?” But if we’re on the topic, I think Demons would be Cerberus and the Gremlins would be Gizmo*
*Just found out Gizmo in Gremlins was “voiced” by Howie Mandel. The more you know.
Bad Seeds v Butchers
Glnzr: I’d rather see Chadwick’s and Rachel’s kid race from goal to goal than watch this game. But that’s not an insult. I’d rather see them do that than watch any game! BTSH, Mets Rangers etc. THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!
23andMia: Rich, your grammar makes it look like Chadwick and Rachel share a child. This is how rumors start! The team who spawned the most in 2021-2022 is sick of all the shit and eeks it out: Butchers for the win.
Glnzr: Hey…Ben can and has done a lot worse than Rachel Greene! Rachel though…has not.
Steven: Bad Seeds are underrated and will surprise a few teams this year. However Brady inspires his teammates with beautiful hair and a fine mustache to their first win of the season.
Rainbows v Riots
Jess: We’ve told our goalie the last 2 games ‘yeah so we’re playing against a team with one of the best goalies in the league’ (Tim K for Vertz, Jamie for Gremlins) and now we’re gonna have to tell him that again with Ramirez in net.
Glnzr: Bold move giving your goalie an inferiority complex. I wish you luck. Riots 3-1.
JW: Having played the Rainbows last and having lost to them, I can say that these are not the ‘Bows of yore. They hustle, move the puck well, and were fairly stifling on D. I have not seen the Riots play this year, but having Ramirez in net will definitely give them a shot. Nonetheless, Rainbows 2-1.
Steven: Two teams on the upward trajectory, how exciting! I think the Riot’s kitten mascot motivates a team who is seeking to break. Amy Jones feels inspired and scores one and assists another. However, the Cat and Jess dynamic duo is a significant reason to believe in Rainbows. As the great Lee Corso says, this game will be closeeeeee, but Riots win 4-3.
Cobra Kai v Fresh Kills
Hornswoggle: Both clubs are fighting for the bottom spot in their division. Russ has been busy attempting to swell and Meg has likely packed her goalie pads in her U-Haul. Considering it’s the 6pm game, I think there will be limited personnel, which could mean that Fresh Kills will be muttering Quebecois bad words as the Dojo lights them up.
Stoop Dogg: I must admit, I have a big soft spot in my heart for the perpetually short benched Fresh Kills. It seems they can never field a team of more than 8 people; despite the lack of subs, they always give their opponents a good game. Cobra Kai on the other hand, seems to always have a plethora of bodies on the sideline. It’s like 27 dresses but instead, 27 subs. If Fresh Kills can have more than 6 people show up for the game, with their ability to pick corners, their strong Colby Hockey Contingent, silky mitts, and George’s even silkier beard (I am guessing, I have never touched his beard!) they could shut down Cobra Kai and take home the W. But, I doubt this will happen, so I am going to say Cobra Kai 5-2.