With Media participation a bit light this week—let’s blame it on 4th of July hangovers, and not writing fatigue (it’s only Week 6, guys!!)—may I present a half-version of Which Nautical Creature Are You?

Demons v Butchers

Based on the Demons’ reputation, the only fitting sea creature would be the dolphin. Sure, the dolphin may seem cute and cuddly, but don’t even get me started on the hell dolphins raise in the ocean. Devils they are. 

The Butchers on the other hand are the Goliath Grouper. Massive in size, these slow-moving forces of nature, can live up to 100 years old. By no means am I calling the Butchers old, but rather, if you let your guard down around them, they’ll pack a powerful punch and take you down. 

Hockey Prediction: Butchers put up a good fight, but Demons pull out the win, 4-2

Karma v WTP

Dingle: My comment from a few weeks ago still stands. I feel like Karma and WTP play each other every week. Karma’s coming off a surprising loss last week. I guess Creeden’s presence was felt more on the beer-depletion side than the hockey-playing side. 

With the smell of blood in the water from Karma’s first loss of the season, expect WTP to come out guns blazin’ with a chance to tie Karma in the Division standings. 

Prediction: Karma re-group, and with a dominant performance by Steve, win 5-1

Mega Touch v Agents

JW: After Week 1 this would have been a classic “stop, stop, he’s already dead” situation. But have the Agents……turned a corner? Speaking of Week 1, I played Mega Touch Week 1 and their relentless forecheck, hustling, and stifling defense were…….well, stifling (I never took any writing classes, ok?). If Greenwald and his secret Agents (secret in that no one knows who they are) can pace with Mega they may just have a chance to pull the upset. 

Prediction: The Agents cannot pace with Mega, and Julie’s V-neck and jorts crew run all over the opposition, 6-2.

Fresh Kills v Fuzz

JW: I saw that last week Gabe and Ariel were both present for FK, causing all the Vertz to (verbally) lament “another 1-goal loss”. This pandemic has really messed with my sense of time – is Gabe’s daughter old enough to play in the league yet? That could really give FK a boost here. Also, what generation are kids her age, anyway? Like, what comes after Z?? Ehh, it doesn’t matter, we all know how I feel about every generation that comes after X. Oops, this was supposed to be a hockey preview. At this point I’ll just go straight to the prediction.

Prediction: Gabe and Ariel show again, and hand Fuzz their first loss of the season. Let’s say…3-2. 

Hornswoggle: Fuzz already lost a game considering they collectively skipped one of their own games just to watch ECF Game 3—the Rangers lost that game (and all the games following it, unfortunately)! I have Fresh Kills riding high even through the Independence Day break, but it doesn’t go undisturbed by Fuzz’s terrifying consistency on the court. You’ll see talent up and down the roster of both teams, but I, like JW, honestly think the youth will prevail here, despite how merciless it is between the Tompkins asphalt, Mylec balls, and amateur athletes (or former professional ones, for the most part). Kills push Fuzz to their first recorded loss of the season, but by just.

Glnzr: What’s weird is during Fuzz’ dynasty, we never played FK in the playoffs. Last year we played an awesome regular season game vs. them to give them their first loss with their new guys. Can’t wait to give them another L. 

Cobra Kai v Vertz

Naturally the Dojo’s snake logo on their pinnies has them pegged as the Moray Eel. This snake-like beast is mostly found in saltwater, but some species have been known to live in freshwater. 

I don the Vertz the Australian Giant Cuttlefish entirely because of this bit I found online, “a creature with a huge brain, three hearts, creepy eyes, and a propensity for orgies.” If I know my team, that’s gonna get them fired up ahead of our game. 

Hockey Prediction: Frey considers joining the Vertz after reading this summary, and a back and forth affair ends with a Vertz shootout victory

Poutine v Gremlins

Not exactly a “sea” “creature”, but Poutine is Jacques Cousteau because…French. One of the pioneers of sea exploration, Poutine have had a similar path exploring their own success so far this season with a record of 4-1.

Gremlins are the Blob Sculpin because I want Walker to read about this unique creature in case it appears as a trivia question some time soon (or not so soon). 

Hockey Prediction: Poutine romp the Sculpins, 5-0. 

Bad Seeds v Riots

Hornswoggle: Both sides here are looking for a bounce back, so hunger on the court will be evident in this matchup. Neither loss in the previous week can be considered tragic for either team, but I’m sure all players in both teams were disappointed in the results. Well, chin up, rest, and recover: because for both sides once again, this matchup is winnable for either. But, who’s hungrier? Both teams have a trajectory of winning their respective divisions, and that means they have to rake in every point possible. While I think Mega has a more comprehensive side and will likely win, the tenacity the Riots have shown in 2022 is more apparent than in past years. And personally I am a Vanck fan, even after his 15 minutes of fame in The Amazing Race, so I’m rooting for him to score a goal or at least be a chance creator. He’s my protege so when I hang up my street Mercurials after a long career I’ve got a continuing legacy.

23andMia: I’m confused how Mega ended up in your preview @Hornswoggle. Are they so good they don’t even have to be in the game to win? (I can hear Alex EM’s voice now: “Yes. The answer is yes.”)

Sky Fighters v Rainbows

Hornswoggle: The second of a home-and-home matchup could have one of two results: the Skyfighters (y’all can’t stop me) will pad their stats including their record, or the Rainbows will deal the only true undefeated team’s first recorded season loss in a miraculous sequence of events. The players in navy have narrowly won each of their games, but they’ve won through attrition—even against Filthier in Week 2. Rainbows will have learned and reflected from their loss last game and turn the energy up in order to exact revenge. I think Aneury may well be the catalyst for it. Footwork to bamboozle, and sprint speed that is unmatched in the league: give him more opportunities to finish and he will do it consistently—that’s a promise. That said, the Rainbows will just edge out the Skyfighters in the 50-minute duel.

Filthier v Hookers

After much debate and discussion amongst the Media, Filthier hath been deemed, the Yellowfin Tuna. Fun lil fact about Yellowfin—they can grow up to 6ft and 400 lbs, and swim 50mph. 

And after no debate or discussion, Hookers are Lions. Because it gives me a reason to post this incredible scene from The Other Guys. 

Hockey Prediction: Filthier edge out Hookers 4-3. 

Lbs v Anklebiters

For an area as expansive as the ocean, I’m running out of sea creatures. 

Lbs. are Catfish solely because of Caitlin’s love of cats. That’s all I’ve got.

Would it be too much of a layup to have Anklebiters be Dogfish? Yes, but idgaf. Yes, a dogfish is a real animal, and no, it does not look anything like a dog. 

Hockey Prediction: If Probie plays, 2-1 Anklebiters. If he’s at wedding #153 of the year, Lbs. win 3-1.