by Frey

Well the preview format this season seems to be compare every team to something random and the instructions always include Jess pleading with everyone to only write 2-3 sentences.  Well, jokes on you because I didn’t sleep at all last night and rambled more than Rich does if you ask him about what broomball was like in the 90s.  Also compared every team to a poker hand which will only be interesting to like 7 people in the league, and most of them are at the casino with me right now and the other one is the aforementioned Glanzer.  Sigh.  Onto the previews.

Rotten Math vs Instant Karma

Karma: 9-9 (78.3%)

Rotten Math: 5-6 Suited (21.7%)

Rotten Math checks in with 5-6 suited, a hand that doesn’t do great against many hands heads-up but actually does better against monsters like aces or kings than almost any hand.  But they are badly overmatched against Karma which is bringing pocket 9s to the table and claiming they don’t have a good hand.  Like come on guys, we know 9s are pretty good.  Board runs out 7-7-9-A-8 rainbow, giving Rotten Math a straight but Karma a boat for the heartbreaking win.  I chose 9s because that’s about the number of times I expect Isaac to claim after the game that they were the underdogs all along and the amount of slaps per claim I expected him to receive if Sarahbox Sarah hears it.

Butchers vs Rehabs

The Rehabs: A-Q off (74%)
The Butchers: Q-8 off (26%)

This is a mismatch from the jump as the Rehabs are bringing their stacked lineup to town against a Butchers team that has struggled mightily this season and hasn’t scored a goal in two full games.  The Habs’ AQ off can compete with pretty much any hand out there while Q8 can win some money if played properly and in position against weak blinds, but it’s just not happening against this team and this hand on Sunday.  Board runs out A-A-5-Q-9 and it’s over before it even begins.  Rehabs romp.  Hicks rips off his shirt and spins it over his head like a helicopter as if he’s Petey Pablo circa 2001.  He tried to do this in the middle of a flip cup game last week and was almost physically attacked by his team.  True story.

Fresh Kills vs Corlears Hookers

FK: Q-Q (71.7%)
Hookers: A-9 (28.3%)

The Fresh Kills are rolling up to showdown with QQ (the Qs do not stand for Quebec but they might as well), a legit premium hand and most likely the best on paper and when matched up against other hands across the league.  I guess you could say the queens are the Colby girls but I don’t know, I’ve always thought Gabe would look great in a tiara.  Meanwhile the Hookers are A-9, a dangerous hand but also one that novice players generally think is stronger than it really is.  The talent is there but with Tiffany tragically gone and Newnie tragically injured and Lee tragically making games, it’s a difficult situation to manage.  They have a chance but I wouldn’t bet on it, and I’d bet on just about anything.  Fresh Kills are just too solid up front and they prove it with a comfortable win

Filthier vs Fuzz

Filthier: K-Q suited (30.1%)
Fuzz: A-K off (69.9%)

Filthier has the king and queen (James and Ann) but that ultra sexy and exciting hand unfortunately doesn’t hold up well against AK suited, especially when Ann and James don’t even live in the state anymore.  Fuzz rolls in with big slick (no, that is not Mike T’s new nickname), ace-king, a high-end hand but not a made hand either.  If this was last season they’d be suited or paired already; this season they have a little work to do as a 6-0-1 record has belied some spotty attendance and a lot of personnel turnover. But they catch a team that they always seem to match up beautifully against on a week where they should have Jeff ready to go, fresh out of Detroit like his last name was Mathers and his lack of drinking belied a serious vicodin addiction.  Filthy has done admirable work this season patching holes in their roster but Fuzz always seems to have their # and I don’t see that changing this week.  Board runs out 2-2-4-K-J and Fuzz gets another win.  It would appears the only person in BTSH who can stop them is Business Annie.

Riots vs Denim Demons

Riots: Q-2 (36%)
Demons: K-8 (64%)

Riots get a Q here just because they have Margot but they’ve got an otherwise tough hand and it’s not an easy one to improve post-flop either.  Demons get K8 because they’ve always got some elite talent at the top of the lineup but can never quite put it together for a deep run.  In this game, however, that won’t be necessary as the board runs out 8-8-J-2-4 and the Demons pick up a no-sweat victory.  The only sweat they receive all day is when Gene throws one of the skateboarders in a kimura after the game.  But of course he reinjures his back doing it and it’s back to the IR for everyone’s favorite Tatiana’s enthusiast.

LBS vs Cobra Kai

LBS: J-J (54%)
Cobra Kai: A-Q suited (46%) 

With apologies to Fuzz & Filthier (but not really because I apologize for absolutely nothing), this is easily the game of the week.  Cobra Kai, who just suffered their first loss of the season in a tight 2-0 affair, roll in with AQ, a top tier hand to be sure but one that is constantly questioned by top pros because while it dominates a large range of possible holdings it doesn’t have much equity against top end hands; usually you’re at best a coin-flip, at worst you’re walking in already dominated by AK/QQ.  Sig’s not going to like hearing that and will probably punch me in the dick when he sees me in a few hours but hey make a BTSH preview omelette, gotta break a few BTSH eggs.  Thankfully for them and him and possibly the health of my dick, the LBS have been having injury and roster issues all season and showdown with pocket jacks, making this matchup the quintessential race, a classic coinflip.  Why jacks?  Well, inside sources tell us that there is an electric development going on in the Poundtown nets.  With Zisser fully expecting to be arrested this weekend in Detroit, a hero has emerged from the the back-alleys of Minnesota.  A silent guardian.  A watchful protector.  The guy who calls his glove “the vacuum” but lives in a place that hasn’t been vacuumed in over three years.  That’s right – it’s Goalie Jack making his second appearance of the season in net, the first being a 4-2 win for the Fresh Kills over Rehabs.  There are not many goalies in the league, even the full-time ones, who get wins over Cobra Kai and the Rehabs in the same season and a win here would vault him into actual respectable goalie territory.  It’s hard to say who wants this win the most out of the LBS, Cobra Kai or Jack.  But considering the LBS have both their own desires and Jack’s, are icing an actual lineup these days and are appropriately rocking pocket jacks in this hypothetical fever dream of a hand, and the fact that our sub goalie is having actual dreams about this game over 72 hours out, I’m picking Poundtown to take down the dojo with a board run-out of 2-7-9-4-2.  Then again, did you really expect me to pick something different?

Gouging Anklebiters vs What The Puck

Gouging Anklebiters: 7-7 (51.9%)
What The Puck: A-10 suited (48.1%)

The Biters lost a few of their top players during the COVID year and are now somewhat similar to Karma but not quite as strong, much the same way that 7s can hang with a lot of hands and are dominating a few, but they’re just not bringing enough heat to the top end of other players’ ranges (sadly the Probie/Derek showdown that the people have been clamoring for will have to wait til next year).  What The Puck, meanwhile, is well-suited to give them an annoying test with a deep roster of underrated players and a hand (A-10 suited) which is tricky and matches up really well against this mid pocket pair.  The wildcard is Probert, fresh off eating a bowl of bat soup and backing out of a flip cup with me night yet again (honestly, it is the ultimate insult).  Biters spike a 7 on the flop in the form of Probert coming out angry that he had to miss a week of hockey and hang on for the win.  After the game he gets kneed in the balls by Business Annie who doesn’t even care about the loss but just wanted to flip some damn cups with him.

Skyfighters vs Gremlins

Sky: Q-9 (49.3%)

Gremlins: 2-2 (50.7%)

Skyfighters clock in with Q9, a tricky hand that you can win some decent money with if you play position and aren’t afraid of getting a little gangster wild after the flop.  No one talks about this team but they’ve 5-1 and have a solid young core of mostly D5 players (swoon) and just added bloodthirsty Riegler to the roster for the playoff run.  Meanwhile the Gremlins are pocket 2s; this season, they can’t really be favored by any margin against anyone because their attendance is so spotty but if this team ever actually got Erich and Tim in a lineup with Jamie in net they would have a shot against basically anyone.  This game, like most ball hockey games at our level, really depends on who shows up.  The Skyfighters wouldn’t beat the Gremlins best possible lineup but that lineup is like the Halley’s Comet of BTSH. I’m seeing the board run out 3-6-K-K-6 for a spiked 6 on the river to counterfeit the Gremlins pair and give the Skyfighters the slimmest of upsets by the slimmest of margins.

Also, I know this was two previews ago but I just can’t stop thinking about the end of The Dark Knight.  Amazing film to be sure but what the hell is up with that ending.  Did they really have to do Batman dirty like that?  Like even if you don’t want to tell people the truth about Dent, you could easily use the Joker as the patsy for the shit that went down, or just throw down any combination of available excuses.  Why are you telling everyone it was Batman and forcing him into hiding?  Because Alfred told him he had to be the outcast?  But then in the very next movie he goes from saying “you can take it, you can be the outcast” to then being like “I can’t watch you kill yourself, I must see you at this cafe one day.”  And how did Jim Gordon fake his death during a 21 gun salute with everyone present and not knowing exactly what the joker would do.  And what’s up with Lucius Fox supplying arms to a masked vigilante for years so that Batman can continue dispensing extrajudicial justice on the streets, but as soon as Bruce is like “hey I have this machine that can tap everyone’s phone” Lucius is all aghast and he’s like now we’ve gone too far, I must quit.  And in that first scene how is the bus driving out of the bank right in the middle of a line of like 8 other busses – did they time it that perfectly or did the joker just get lucky to be driving a bus out of a bank wall and just end up in the middle of a row of similar looking school busses?  And what the hell was that alibi with the Russian ballerinas on the boat?  They’re supposed to be Bruce’s alibi for why he can’t be Batman because he was partying with them the whole time that Lau was kidnapped from China…but wouldn’t the first question the investigators ask be something like “ok, so Bruce was with you the entire week in question?” and the ballerinas are going to be like “well, kind of, except that one time when a plane landed in the water, picked him up and flew away, then he was gone for like two days and when he came back he refused to tell us where he went.”  Come to think of it, this movie had a lot more plot holes than I originally realized.  

That concludes the Skyfighters/Gremlins preview slash movie review.

See you at the courts.