Week 13 Previews
By Christo and Dingle
We (your Media Overlords) decided to give the media team a little recess until after Labor Day. So we’re throwing it back to when we used to do Previews in the format of ‘What [insert weird category] is your team’ in lieu of real hockey previews!!!
Biters v Cobra Kai
I’m solely picking the Biters’ ice cream because of their team name. And for that reason, they’ve been dubbed the Lick-a-Color. Probably the most want-to-bite frozen treat out there. Who really wants to wait for it to start dripping on your hand before seeing all the colors within.
Cobra Kai, on the other melted hand, are the oldie but goodie Ice Cream Sandwich. Is it the most colorful, innovative, flavorful ice cream out there? Nope. But it’s an ageless classic that, like Cobra Kai, understands how to get it done. Well-rounded (I realize it’s a rectangle) and delicious—exactly how Russ describes his team.
Prediction: Biters 2 CK 1
Gremlins v Demons
The Demons are obviously a Screwball. Seems like a good idea at first but by the end of it your tongue is numb from trying to get to the gumball at the bottom that’s so frozen you almost break your jaw – just a total mess and nobody’s having a good time!!
The Gremlins are Snoopy – a classic that’s maybe not the most exciting but those who like Snoopy just get it. It’s not usually anyone’s first choice but it can prove to be delicious.
Prediction: 2-2 OT Demons take it in a lolshootout.
Filthier v Vertz
Vertz are def the most twisted of ice creams in the ever-polarizing Creamsicle. I’ll let your disgusting minds make the jokes here, but it’s some people’s favorites and others’ absolute last choice…just like the Vertz. Filthier are a more traditional, chocolate-based ice cream—The Klondike Bar. “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” No. More like, what would you do for the PBR Cup?
Prediction: Vertz 3 Filthier 2. Don’t let the Vertz get hot. Again.
Rainbows v Bad Seeds
Bad Seeds are another classic, the Bubble Play. Very tasty, hits the spot, but also kind of niche and isn’t bankrupting small children’s allowance everywhere. The Rainbows are the Bubble Gum Swirl, sometimes forgotten about but a crowd pleaser nonetheless. An anecdote from my personal life that nobody asked for: my younger brother’s 2 favorites were Bubble Play and Bubble Gum Swirl. But ultimately Bubble Gum Swirl started to win out, as the Bubble Play was a bit overhyped and a plain cherry ice pop with a gumball that loses flavor in 2 seconds is not as fun to eat as actual bubble gum flavored ice cream.
Prediction: Rainbows take it 2-1 towards the end of regulation.
Fresh Kills v Hookers
Going out on a limb here and naming Le Fresh Kills Maple Taffy in honor of their Canadian heritage. Mind you, 1) I’m 90% sure Canadian ice cream trucks don’t sell this and 2) the only reason I know this is Canadian is because of an episode of Parts Unknown. But we digress! It’s on a stick and it’s dessert, so it is decided. Hookers are Strawberry Shortcake because if I was a hooker, that would be my name (this is Matt not Jess writing this, full disclosure). Also, not sure if anyone else has this memory with these, but the wood from the popsicle stick always seemed to come through in the strawberry flavoring. It’s like 50% strawberry, 50% wood.
Prediction: FK 4 Hookers 2
Poutine v Riots
Poutine are a Snickers bar because that’s exactly what they’re doing from the top of the standings…snickering. Don’t think too many BTSH pundits had Poutine tied for 1st in the league (s/o Skyfighters as well) about 3/4 through the season. We’ll keep it in the branded Candy Corporation world with Riots as a Crunch Bar. Another solid—yet slept-on—option and with Riots only two points behind the league leaders, we’ll leave it up to the viewers to decide who wins this showdown in the comment section.
Prediction: Poutine 4-2 *You really thought the Media Overlords would let you decide the outcome. HA!
Fuzz v WTP
Fuzz is the King Cone. Been around for fucking ever, reigns supreme on the ice cream truck, and yet nobody really likes it. But it’s destined to be at the top for quite some time. WTP is the choco taco, a zany staple loved by many with a fast rise to stardom, only to be discontinued this year.
Prediction: Fuzz 3, WTP 1.
Sky Fighters v Agents
Here we have what seems like a metaphor for an evolution of ice cream. The Agents are the Push Pop. The Push Pop is if “i’m baby” was an ice cream. Young and new on the scene, not yet ready to compete with the show stoppers – but still delicious! Sky Fighters are the Cyclone. A powerful (seriously those things are thick and filled with sugar) popsicle that often surprises ice cream purveyors with how tasty it is.
Prediction: Sky Fighters 4, Agents 0.
Lbs v Instant Karma
Going solely off the team name again for this one, but Lbs are the Good Humor Birthday Cake Dessert Bar. I googled “Highest Calorie Ice Cream Bar” and this was number one. Also, this has Scotty K written all over it. After much consideration, I’ve awarded Karma the Sno Cone. You really never know what you’re gonna get with a Sno Cone. If the ice is too frozen and/or there’s not enough syrup, you’re essentially gnawing on a frozen, flavorless snowball. But if there’s loads of syrup and the ice is perfectly shaved, it’s hard to find a more refreshing summer treat. It’s been a tale of two Karmas this year. When they’re on, they’re on. But when they’re not…frozen snowball.
Prediction: Lbs 5 Karma 2
Mega Touch v Butchers
The Butchers are Tweety. Another classic but sometimes looks like a bit of a mess when you compare the actual ice cream to its packaging (talk about expectations vs reality am I right folks?!)
Mega is the Klondike Oreo Sandwich. Pretty powerful and definitely favored ahead of some of the classics but it’s not going to sell out on a hot day.
Prediction: Mega 3 Butchers 0.