By Stoop Dogg

Good afternoon BTSHers, it’s your friendly neighborhood DJ Stoop Dogg coming at you live from my studio apartment and thank heavens for that, because 100% of what I have just been googling would have been blocked on my work computer and 1000% would have been escalated to HR if anybody saw me googling it on my phone. I am pleased to say this was a very educational and enlightening article and I can’t wait for the targeted ads I’m going to start getting.  Anyway onto this, in the word’s of Frey, “Very Sexy,” article. 

LEGALLY REQUIRED DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18 or the young and impressionable Sweet Baby James, you must stop reading immediately!

What the Puck vs. Dark Rainbows

The Bullet Vibrator, every young woman’s first vibe – it’s small, it’s discrete, unsuspectingly powerful, and always gets you over the goal line. What the Puck, I dub thee The Bullet Vibrator. Huzzah!

Dark Rainbows, despite your name, you are a very lively, playful, and colorful group. You work hard, put in maximum effort, and earn every win. So for that, you are the Sex Position Coloring Book… fun and educational!

Lbs vs. Butchers

Lbs could easily be every sex toy under the sun. Maybe it’s Frey, maybe it’s knowing that some of you are super into eating booty, I DON’T KNOW! But y’all are freaks and I say that with the utmost love and respect. Anyway, hockey wise, you’re really high level, you usually win, and then most of you stay and get weird after you play. Without further ado, you are the Cowgirl Premium Sex Machine with the Buckwild Double Penetration Attachment. Imagine a horse saddle, with a dildo glued to the top of it, that vibrates. Wow. 

Sex Swings. They sound like a good time, I mean, regular swings were always a blast, add in sex, it’s double the fun! The swing also probably adds a little spice, a little je ne sais quoi, to those closed door naked activities, and maybe some needed leverage? This is guess work here. There’s another very aspect of a good swing, for sex or otherwise, and that’s a strong foundation. Butchers embody the sex swing – they’re fun, they’re spicy, and rock hard, I mean solid. Rock Solid. 

Denim Demons vs. Gouging Anklebiters

Demons, you are 50 feet of red colored Hemp Bondage Rope. Resourceful, creative, and a little too hardcore sometimes. You just have a real Bondage rope kind of vibe. Maybe it’s the Russian factor. But, I mean, you named yourself the Demons. 

“I’ll take “Embodying Butt Plugs” for 500, Alex.” 

“Name the BTSH team that is simultaneously a pleasure and a massive pain in the ass. Hint: they are very nice off the courts, a team you want to party with, but during games, they go hard and sometimes can be a bit irritating to play against.” 

“What is Gouging Anklebiters?”

“That is correct, Gouging Anklebiters is correct.”

Filthier vs. Poutine Machine

Filthier, feels like you should be something super dirty, and not just because of your name. You’re a good team but you are also an under the radar physical team. That’s why the  “Intermediate Bondage Kit” seems rather fitting. It’s pretty, it’s pink, and it matches your uniform!

Poutine Machine, you are the POCKET PUSSAY! Ehm, Pocket Pussy. The end. 

Corlears Hookers vs. Skyfighters

Hookers, you are like the second string QB. You’re good, but you’re not great. You have some insecurities, but are still rather outgoing and because you aren’t the GOAT, you have to put in a little extra effort when picking up the honeys and between the sheets. So, you are the Dual Pleaser Vibrating Cock Ring. For his and her pleasure. 

You’re a solid team, who is nice and not polarizing. You hang out at the courts and are a great add to any event. Rarely, if ever, the butt of jokes in the media or a source of drama. Skyfighters, you are Lube. Much like the slippery substance, you are under appreciated and make everything better. 

Rotten Math vs. Mega Touch

They’re liked by all (or most anyway), as close to classic, OG BTSH as you can get, skilled if not older than average. Yes, it’s true, Rotten Math is none other than your classic 80’s porno. Sweet ‘staches, real tits (such a friendly word), and full bush all around!

They’re not necessarily known for their hockey prowess, but frankly skill isn’t what counts in this league. It’s about who best embodies the spirit of BTSH, and that would be Mega Touch. They’re fun to play with, they’re fun to play against, they’re silly, they’re colorful in personality, their jerseys have a  bunch of hands outstretched to touch you. I’ll just come out and say it – Mega Touch, you are Edible Body Paint. When they touch you, they touch you Mega, and always with consent. 

Gremlins vs. Instant Karma

They’re mouthy and really enjoy sideline reffing. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way to silence that…oh, wait, there is! Gremlins you have won yourselves the Ball Gag!

Instant Karma, you don’t take yourselves too seriously. You like to play hockey and win games but you like to drink and party way more. This makes you the perfect candidate to be awarded the Sex and Mischief Enchanted Feather Tickler. Saucy, silly, and magical good time.

Fuzz vs Fresh Kills

Fresh Kills can never seem to keep their sticks down clearly making them the “Pegasus Curved Realistic Harness Set” aka a Strap-on that is always up.. It has a wireless remote with 15 vibration patterns and 6 intensity levels. Bummer, it doesn’t seem to come in their team color. 

If you guessed Fuzzy Handcuffs for Fuzz, you guessed right! In their heads, they’re tough, bad ass, HARDCORE! In reality, they’re just some soft, fluffy restraints. It’s in the name. 

Riots vs. Cobra Kai

While I don’t want to label one team more Feminist or better Feminists than another team (all of you are great Feminists, if this were Brownies or Boy Scouts, you’d all be able to sew your Feminist patch onto your sashes, A+ work guys), however one team who has always been very loud & proud about it would be the Riots. So, for that reason, your sex toy is ** drum roll please ** the Cock Cage! Keeping those men and their hormones in line. 

Nipple Clamps, so much pleasure in so much pain, or at least I think that’s the case…either way, Cobra Kai, you’re Nipple Clamps. You bring the pain, and you take pleasure in it. Quick Q, do the clamps cause chafing or cracking? Message Direct with answers, plz. 

Rehabs – Bye-week: 

Yeah, like I’d miss an opportunity to give Rehabs their sex toy…I have said it before, I’ll say it again. They’re a team of strong, badass ladies. If they were rappers, they would all be Cardi B’s and Meg Thee Stallions. Oh, and they have a bunch of dudes (who are confident enough in themselves to have & champion these ladies) who love ladies. Rehabs, for all that pussy power, lady loving, vagina empowering, your sex toy is The Clit Sucker/Stimulator. Talk about macaroni in a pot, WAP WAP WAP.

Oh, realized I never bothered to predict any of the games: 

What the Puck to slip in a win over Rainbows. 4-2. 

Lbs will take the Butchers to Pound Town, and only one team will enjoy themselves. Classic. 6-1. 

Demons will get really close to finishing with a W, but Biters will beat them out for the Win. 3-1.

It’ll be tight, they’ll go a few rounds, but with James & Ann gone, Poutine will end up dominating Filthier into submission for that Win. 6-3. 

Hookers know how to turn some tricks and if they have enough stamina, will bang out the win over Skyfighters. 4-2. 

Battle of the well-liked teams, they’ll be sweet and soft, put the moves on each other (a little yawn & stretch), but Classic Rotten Math wins out over fun and flirty Mega Touch, but they’ll both enjoy themselves and fist bump after. 3-1

Instant Karma will use their Karmasutra moves on Gremlins and take them sensually, and then win, win, win! 2-1. 

Back Seat, windows up, that’s the way FK likes to work, rough play, will make Fuzz hurt, in Tompkins square park all in the dirt..oh and then Fuzz will lose. 7-6. 

Riots will give it their all, but ultimately predicting a real spanking from Cobra Kai. 8 – 1. 

Rehabs, well it’s your week off, so you’re likely at home watching a little game tape, maybe having a little 1×1 time, watching the video of your last BTSH Championship win.