By christo_the_hawk & Dingle McCringle

Hey friends, it’s been a while. So as your new media overlords editors we wanted to re-introduce everyone to the teams in the league and maybe help some of the confused free agents out there who haven’t decided where they want to pledge allegiance to. Prepare yourself for tropes, stereotypes, and a little bit of truth. 

First Division

Fuzz

I’m going to get this one out of the way early. Welcome to the team of people who all are from the suburbs of Long Island*** and would be cops if they could. Or am I just describing Rich? There’s a lot of testosterone on this team—not to be mistaken for BDE (that’s ‘big dick energy’ for the boomers in the audience). Anyways, Fuzz hates women (noted by their lack of female players) and that’s the storyline we’re running with this season. 

*editor’s note: one of us is from Long Island and is allowing Long Island slander. One of us is from Connecticut and is therefore better than most of you. 

Rehabs

A team that has actual BDE, thanks solely to the women, you don’t want to mess with the ‘Habs. This team lets their skills do the talking. As an anonymous male member of this team once said ‘We all hate d**** and we’re good at hockey’. The men on this team know their place as the betas to their superior female alphas. This team is like if The Handmaiden’s Tale was reversed. What I’m saying is, don’t fuck with the Rehabs. 

Ankle Biters

Imagine watching your dad get blackout drunk at the Memorial Day BBQ, absolutely crushing backyard games and grilling a fantastic burger. That’s what playing with the Biters is like. Sure, most of them are approaching AARP status but they’re fun, tough, and are captained by golden boy Ben (who is also getting old, I might add). All ageism jokes aside, this team has played together for so long, there’s a reason why they’ve moved up the ranks to the 1st Division. 

Filthier

I’m not saying Ann and James are Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I’m also not not saying it. Think about it. Two highly trained assassins snippity sniping goals on the regular and looking beautiful doing it. But just an overall stunning team that’s reliable, safe, and has high ROIs just like Dogecoin. #Stonks

Lbs

If Fuzz is lawful evil, then the Lbs are chaotic evil. 2 sides of the same coin, these teams faced off in a 2019 final that went literally until it got too dark to see, and then had to go to shootouts (Fuzz won). Lbs have fast and aggressive talent and a strategic captain. They have more of a defensive stronghold with Zisser in net and Frey and Kelsey playing back; with Covid ransacking everyone’s numbers, their offense leaves something to be desired. They historically like playing with a light roster—this year might be stretching it thin, even for Lbs standards. 

Second Division

Fresh Kills

Just call this team Colby Jr. because it seems like Meg has a pipeline straight from Maine to Tompkins. At last count, there are seventeen White Mules (Colby’s mascot lololol) with Poppa Gabe and Double Poppa Ariel rounding out the squad. Expect goals o’ plenty when their entire roster is there followed by 7-0 losses when attendance issues plague them like they have in the past. 

Hookers

The Hookers are a sneaky team that don’t go down without a fight and have had surprisingly longer-than-usual playoff runs. Most of the guys from a few years back are finally returning and they’ve got a new mystery goalie (it’s prob not a mystery, my source was not forthcoming). Captain Sarah is recovering from shoulder surgery and will be leading the team from the sidelines but according to one anonymous Hooker with a self-proclaimed drinking problem, ‘we’re going to take the league by storm’.

Cobra Kai

Not in this Dojo. This is the team that inspired the Karate Kid spinoff show. Built around a Standing Mantis D corp with an Action Dragon offense, you blink and this team can Crane Kick you into 2022. Jaden Smith. Ok, I’m done. Not sure how much Campbell will be in the net this year, but expect a lot of one-goal games from this quick-tempo team. The guys play a lot of ice hockey together in the off-season so expect some spicy male chemistry—however a lot of them are old, like mid 30’s old, like Russ old, so they won’t be able to back check like, ever. 

What the Puck

What the Puck has risen through the divisions with each passing season. It’s only a matter of time until they reach the 1st Division. Speaking of each passing season, it seems that Hogg has been about to poach good players year after year. With some former Gut Rot, Rainbows, and sought after free agent talent, their roster is now pretty formidable. Despite their recent success and savageness on the court, they’re still a fun team to play against and drink a beer with after. WTP is like your one over competitive friend who you HATE playing drinking games with but will help you boot and rally in the bathroom mid-party.

Butchers

The Butchers have made it to the 2nd Division and there’s not much of a question if they’re ready but rather, is everyone else ready. This is another unassuming team that despite having a rocky playoffs history, typically dominates the regular season. Most of their players strictly play BTSH and it shows in their ability to handle the errant bounce of the ball and generally tricky blacktop. It will be interesting to see them go up against What The Puck, their former division-mates, in a more intense setting. 

Third Division

Poutine

First of all, nobody French is on this team and that, to me, is the biggest waste of all. You have a seasoned mix of older, immature men and younger, immature men who will shotgun a whiteclaw without even being asked. What I’m saying is, they are the living embodiment of The 13th Step—the East Village frat bar the Poo-Crew likes to inhabit after all of their games. I feel like this is the umpteenth team I’m writing this for but the ladies of this team are talented and help hold it down, especially on defense with Captain Sully. Poutine is here for a good time, not a long time, and with the competition in their division heating up, they might have to battle to stay in the 3rd Division.

Gremlins

The Gremlins are what I’d call the definition of a motley crew. But this unsuspecting team has been together for a while and is one of the more consistent teams in the league. They were known for having one of the best goalies in the league but with his sabbatical year they’ll have to have a new strategy for winning besides their strong defense. Also, can somebody please tell Walker that Gen Z exists so he can stop comparing everything to Millennials.

Demons

First of all, if you’re new to this league there is a stereotype that the Demons are Dicks. If Dicks ‘R Us was a store, Rubens would be the manager. But I’d like to pause that narrative for a bit and call out that there are people with dick-like tendencies on every team and the Demons have some redeeming qualities. After playing against them, if you dare sit and have a post-game beer, you’ll find a few of them to be pretty funny. Plus thanks to Lil Nas X, hanging with demons is so in right now. 

Karma

Ohhhh Karma, where to begin. If not for COVID cancelling the 2020 season, Karma might’ve been a PBR Cup contender. But with Creeden forced to move back to New England out of fear of losing his Boston accent, and AK packing up to live in a van down by the Colorado River, there are a lot of uncertainties heading into the season. Will new dog-dad Braun show up to a single game? Who is Florida Kevin and how hard has he taken the Panthers loss? (Picture below, not great.) Now that Derek is officially a Pharrell-hat guy, has he forgotten how to hockey and does he only wear skinny jeans? But aside from all those Q’s, there’s consistency in goal with Steve “Bring in the Dancing Lobsters” Friedman and BTSH vets Isaac, Stabel, Dr. Dangles, and more. Look for them to be shooting for the top spot in the division.   

Fourth Division

Mutt Rot

Math and Gut Rot combined this year for the hybrid ‘Mutt Rot’. Gut Math and Math Rot are also strong name contenders. It’s actually a match made in heaven since both teams are scrappy, a bit down-on-their-luck, and have a few sharp shooters. Both have also suffered the loss of top scorers (Jack on Math and Akhil on Gut Rot). We’ll see if this combo can pack a punch.

Riots

The Riots have been historically thought of as a weaker team and have historically proven many teams wrong who were foolish enough to underestimate them. Dave’s ability to have ‘Dave Days’ in net has steadily increased in BTSH and other leagues in the city. With athletic players with a chip on their shoulder, this team is ready for a hard-fought victory on any given Sunday.

Rainbows

What’s at the end of a rainbow? I guess a pink wizard that shoots lightning bolts out of his fingers. The early favorite to win the fourth division, Rainbows have a not-so-sneaky good team led by Cap’n Yetter, D-Man Dan, Swagner, Bryan, everyone else, and then Jess. Expect the Rainbows to hit the rest of the division with a lil’ Roy G. Biv magic and near-perfect attendance week after week. 

Mega Touch

Mega Touch is that itch you can’t reach in the center of your back. The one fly that got into your house and won’t leave despite your best attempts to swat it. Don’t underestimate Mega. They are often overlooked but have taken many a higher division team to overtime and often walked away with an upset. With young elite female talent like Shelly, Tash, and Courtney, they are not to be taken lightly. 

Skyfighters

If any team has felt the brunt of losing players over the years, it’s the mighty Skyfighters. Like the Oakland A’s (baseball reference, ew), the talent the team has had on its roster only to watch them get poached end-of-year has been staggering. But that ends now (maybe). New captain Emily Barbour is the anchor—tiny anchor—the team needs to lead an aging core with a handful of promising new recruits back to victory. 

We can’t wait to see everyone back out there!